Assman #5

Sometimes you've gotta wonder: how is it possible that we porn-lovers don't get bored of seeing the same shit over and over? Take Anabolic's "Assman" movies for example. Here you've got a title that features no variation from the following formula: goofy French dudes + Euroslut tramps (of varying quality) + massive anal violation + gaping anuses + spit/spoo down those gaping anuses + ass-to-mouth + 2 hr. 20 min. runtime = "Assman." And here you've got a series of movies that, on VHS, has reached #15, and is probably still going strong. There's just no end to European babes that want their buttholes reamed, and no end to us viewers who will eat that stuff up.

Not that I'm complaining really, cuz basically I'm one of those dudes who eats this stuff up. "Assman #5" is out on DVD now, and I must admit that even though the series is definitely spinning its wheels even at this point, you can really count on Jean-Yves LeCastel to deliver the volcanic, filthy goods. That is, if this kind of thing floats your boat. In case you didn't know, "Assman" is definite XXX-hardcore anal, so the faint of heart (and the fearful or gaping) need not apply.

I think what makes this series keep up its watchability is the basic fact that its selection of Eurobabes are all fresh-faced ingenues in the biz. Sure, they may take it up the ass like a well-worn L.A. hooker, but at the same time, you're not gonna see their faces (and pussies and asses) plastered over every other video and DVD package on the racks. I must admit, there's still a rush to seeing an "innocent" corrupted by spunk on the face and cock up the hershey highway.

The lasses on hand in "Assman #5" aren't amongst the most memorable, but a couple - like blonde beauties Greta and Jennifer who kick off the title - are definitely class-A fuckmeat who'll hold your attention while their heinies are getting plowed. These two ladies walk in on Yves Le Prince, Andrew Youngman and David Perry as they're working out in a gym. But the horny honies want to give some other man-muscles a workout, and before you know it, there's a clusterfuck of an anal train-pulling going on. It's pretty much no muss, no fuss too: the butt boffing is almost instantaneous, and notions of foreplay and build-up are tossed out the window. Oh yeah, one other thing: a particularly goofy/annoying habit these French fellas have while they're gaping the anuses of their trampy cohorts is that they love to exclaim, "Beam! Beam! Beeeeaaaaam!" while exposing the huge rectal tunnels plowed by their hard-ons. Trust me, you may want to keep your finger on the mute button. The gang runs through every possible anal and D.P. position in the book, before both hotties take load upon load of manchowder on their lovely visages.

And guess what? You get five more scenes of the same type, with identical bottom-plowing and face-spunking. I was particularly, uh, "fond" of Chilla's scene, and the grand finale -- a secretary-themed scenario in which two knockouts, Livia and Brigitta, get pumped at an office board meeting. Hmm, come to think of it, Chilla's bowel-boffing has a workplace slant too. What does that say about me? Ah, who cares. Trust me, you'll wish you had office co-workers like Chilla, Livia and Brigitta who'd give up their shitters just as readily after you've watched these blistering scenes. All three girls are eager to please, don't give a fuck about sexual harassment at the workplace, and get their heinies hammered into the next work week.

The scenes with Agi, Laura and Margot were good too, but nothing really stuck in my head about 'em other than the fact that they were...well...good. The girls were good. The assfucking was good. But nothing mind-blowing, and definitely in relation to the scenes I just mentioned, they were not quite on the same level. Suffice to say, they all take it up the ass, get gaped, and take hefty helpings of cum on their faces.

Like all Anabolic titles, the audio-visual quality here is definitely solid. While not perfect, Jean-Yves LeCastel is a dependably strong shooter who tends to have good lighting, clear shots, and revealing camera angles. And hey, the sound is crisp enough that you can hear every stick squishing into a willing asshole, and every frenzied cry of "Beam!" The only thing that I think Anabolic needs to work on a bit on their DVD releases is the bonus material (or lack thereof): you get a number of trailers for other movies on Side B of the disc, but that's it. I realize that maybe they want their DVDs to be just as to-the-point as their releases (titles like "Nice Rack" and "Assman" are pretty much as direct as you can possibly be at telling you what you're gonna get, and they don't waste time delivering on those promises either). But c'mon, maybe some cast info, at least? Or deleted scenes?

Anyway, if you're not yet bored by the overwhelming amount of anal-themed titles out there, chances are "Assman #5" is for you. It's certainly not for everybody, but it totally delivers on every level that you'd expect an ass-obsessed title to excel at (with the exception of, maybe, some teasing, which John Stagliano and Tom Byron pull off much better as an overall package), especially if you can't get enough of seeing young Eurotarts defiled in seriously sleazy ways.