Desperately Horny Housewives

Back in the dark ages of adult DVD, when yours truly was just a newbie to porn, movies directed by Cash Markman were about the best thing going. His scripts were quick and witty, and he always seemed to be parodying the popular mainstream hits of the day.

The good news is that with Desperately Horny Housewives, Cash is back in form, with funny dialogue and great one-liners and jokes that adult fans should really appreciate. The bad news is that Visage Films hasn't given him much of a budget to work with. The title is extremely (should I say "Desperately"?!) low-end, and you can tell that this was a shoot that was intended to be quick and cheap. Actually, I'm guessing more may have been spent on the attractive box cover than the actual movie!

Fortunately, Cash is a well-respected guy in the business, which means not only was he able to round up some impressive females like Chasey Lain, Brittney Skye and Lauren Phoenix for the movie, but he was also able to bring aboard veteran males like Randy Spears (who has the lead role here) and Mike Horner (in a non-sex comedic performance as, of all things, Randy's wife!).

The plot is, of course, a take on the popular ABC-TV series of a similar name, but it's really just an excuse to get to see the various performers teaming up with one another. There are five scenes in the movie, all one-on-one scenes, with the first four being boy/girl pairings and girl/girl team-up for the conclusion.

The first scene is between Randy Spears and Nikki Hunter, and has the two performers trying reverse cowgirl, doggy and missionary. Randy, as always, delivers a nice pop-shot at the end of the scene - which both goes into Nikki's mouth and lands on her face. This is also the first time in the movie where we get to see Mike Horner in drag, as he plays Randy's wife and catches him cheating on "her".

Katie Morgan isn't one of my favorite performers, but there's something about her child-like voice and the way she seems so innocent that always make her scenes have a certain amount of "heat". Here, she pairs off with "pool boy" John West for action that features reverse cowgirl, doggy, missionary, and a cumshot onto her chest.

Randy's second (and only other) scene comes next, as this time he's paired with Trina Michaels on a couch. This scene also contains the only anal action of the movie, as Randy has Trina propped up on the arm of one end of the couch and enters her ass in the missionary position. Also keep your eye out for a cameo by Cash Markman himself, in a non-sex role playing Randy's boss and a guy who is also having an affair with Trina.

Although she doesn't do any of the anal we know her so well for, Lauren Phoenix has one of the best scenes on the DVD, joining Eric Masterson for some reverse cowgirl, spoon and missionary. Eric's pop-shot, which looks like it was intended to go completely into Lauren's mouth, misses the mark a bit and splashes mostly off of her right cheek.

The last scene is a lesbian pairing between Chasey Lain and Brittney Skye, and it's not as hot as one might have hoped. Chasey seems to have lost "something" when it comes to sexual action ever since her big comeback, and one can only hope she "finds" it again before age finally her into retirement. For the record, this scene has Chasey giving oral to Brittney and using a blue rabbit vibe on her, with Brittney returning the favor and using a glass dildo on Ms. Lain.

The biggest fault with this DVD is the low-end quality of the production, and the fact that the video looks very washed-out and has an overall lack of sharpness to it. For a DVD, it's not a very good picture at all. The audio is average (in 2.0 Dolby)...not great, but a lot better than the video quality.

As for extras, I should probably point out that the only extra (other than the standard chapter selection) is a 29-minute Behind The Scenes segment. The BTS is fun to watch, but since the box cover for this release advertises bloopers, trailers and a slide show (none of which are on the disc), I was expecting a bit more.

It's funny...most adult releases look great, but have little substance story-wise. Desperately Horny Housewives is smartly written, but suffers from poor production values and a small budget. If you're not obsessive about having great picture quality with your DVDs, you just might enjoy this one...otherwise, it's rental material - although deserving rental material, thanks to Cash's quick-witted script.