Love Hurts

You know you're in for a disappointing night when you get a title that's packed with certified, Grade-A tramps (like Nicole London, Eve [from "Whack Attack" and "Buttman's Big Butt Euro Babes"], and Julie Meadows), but does absolutely nothing with them outside of missionary and doggy style fucking and some cum on their tits. That's the story with Roy Karch's "Love Hurts", a movie starring a bevy of broads who've had the equivalent of telephone poles stuck up every orifice, but here decides to do an even-more-tepid-than-usual couples routine with them.

Julie Meadows stars as Nicole London's niece, and she's had it with "love": she keeps getting hurt, and whenever she sees other couples, it seems like they're just hurting each other. Fucking for fun is the better deal. Take Nicole and Steve Hatcher for instance. They just like to screw and have a good time, and they do it while Julie's out looking for a job. That's all well and good, but the problem is Nicole's not required to do much more than blow Steve for a bit then doggy and missionary him in her muff before taking a blast of ball-batter in her mouth and on her tongue (the only decent cumshot in the movie...gooey and messy, just the way I like it). This, from a major fucking slut (and I mean that positively) who's done such amazingly nasty trysts throughout her career. Believe me, I still get pleasure from the girl; even though she's not model-beautiful, Nicole's always expressed a deep-down carnality that can't be faked (check her out in "Sodomania" for example), whether she's light-haired or dark brunette (as she is here). Plus, in this day and age, her still-100%-real rack is a landmark. She deserves praise just for that. But not, unfortunately, for her turn in this movie.

While innocent Julie goes out to work at a restaurant, Nicole's friends Zhanalee and Rick Masters come over. Like most horny folks, they just wanna fuck, and go out into the back yard to do so. Zhanalee's a buxom tattoo-covered temptress who looks like she'd be the biggest whore of the century (and again, I mean that in a good way) but she might as well be a Vivid girl in this movie. After a titty fuck and B.J., Rick eats her cunt, doggies her box, and cums on her big phony rack. I'd like to cover her tits too, but I'd also like to see this girl get used more thoroughly.

Eve (who's blonde here, unlike her usual brunette turns) then comes into Julie Meadows' restaurant with dirty old boyfriend Rod Fontana. They get turned on looking at Julie, so when they come home they immediate jump on the bed to screw their brains out. I really fell for Eve when I first saw her in "Whack Attack" and afterwards I actively sought out titles she was in. Everything I saw highlighted her incredible, curvy, round, God-given ass. This is the first movie that doesn't (odd, considering what a perv Rod Fontana can be). After Rod kisses Eve's tiny, pert tits, he eats and fingers her pussy before she blows him and takes him in her snatch cowgirl and missionary style. Once again, the cum lands on tits.

Julie's perplexed by all the nasty, horny people she keeps running into (including flirty Ian Daniels, a regular at her restaurant), and asks gal-pal Brooke Hunter what she thinks. Brooke says that fucking is the key, not love. Just go for the sex. To illustrate the point, we see her getting (halfway) nasty with Dale Da Bone. She blows her man, then takes him missionary and doggy style. Can you guess where the spunk shoots? Yep, on her tits.

Julie herself provides the last scene, and folks, this chick's done it all, including some nasty creampie action up her booty. This time, she's truly shocked me by turning in such a lukewarm, "normal" bit of action: she invites Ian back to her pad, prances in front of him in some lingerie, professes that she doesn't want any of that love stuff - just a good fuck - and then blows him before getting a cowgirl and doggy style shtupping. Ian cums copiously on her buttcheeks and back, and it's all over after that. Ho hum!

First-time viewers of smut might find this titillating, but vets (and in particular fans of the stars) are bound to be snoozing. Too bad! Also, the sound is often pretty terrible. Not that most of us watch skinflicks for chit-chat, but if your intention is to be "couple-friendly" and feature dialogue, then please make it audible. The extras aren't that amazing either: a slide show, three website trailers, corporate info, and two movie trailers. Love may hurt, but sub-par porn hurts even more.