Nurses of the 407

The porno parody is an established tradition in the adult film business. Most of these films are cheap and blatant attempts to profit off the name recognition of a mainstream movie or television show. Usually the porn counterparts have very little or nothing to do with the original source. Instead, they put together a witty title and slap it on an inferior piece of porn. As a result, most of these films get their fifteen minutes of fame and are soon forgotten once the novelty wears off. Afterall, who remembers titles such as The Maltese Bimbo, or the more recent Edward Penishands? Occasionally a film like Nurses of the 407 comes along and proves to be an exception to the rule.

Produced in the early 80s, Nurses of the 407 is a faithful parody of the popular television show M*A*S*H. In fact, faithful is an understatement. This film looks so good that I'd mistake it for the real thing if I was flipping channels. It has just about everything from similar sets to the familiar costumes. Even the intro looked authentic, complete with aerial shots of a field hospital and several flying helicopters. Perhaps the "authenticity" of this footage is why the phone number of the producer's lawyer appears in the opening credits...I'd never seen that before. The film has no real plot, but instead relies on several events and sight gags which are all strung together by the sex scenes. Herschel Savage plays the unfortunate Major Kincade who enters the hospital with a foot injury. But his rampaging libido and the hospital's sexy nurses do little to improve his prognosis. Meanwhile, Paul Thomas plays the distracted head doc, Captain Jack, whose only major concern is getting "hot hips" Henderson (played by Jessie St. James) in bed. Rounding out the cast is Joey Silvera who plays Specs, a nerdy Corporal who can't get laid. However, his outlook on life changes after his memorable birthday party.

As far as the production values go, it doesn't get much better than this. As I mentioned before, a great amount of effort went into making this film look just like the TV show. While it may not be exact, it certainly is as close as any porno will ever get to aesthetically rivaling a mainstream show. Even through the script is pretty light weight, there are several funny moments that wouldn't have made it into the TV show. For example, when Major Kincade talks Hot Hips into giving him a hand job, she becomes disgusted by the Major's advances and hits him in the groin. The next scene shows the doctors crowded around an x-ray of the Major's "broken penis." There are several other moments of adult oriented humor that really propel the film in a positive way. Humor and porn are usually two elements that don't mix very well...at least not without being corny. But due to the premise of this particular film, it works quite well here as an adult homage to the television series.

While everything else about this film is wonderful, unfortunately the key element is not as hot as it should be. Maybe the filmmakers got so involved into making the film look like the TV show that they overlooked the sex scenes. Don't get me wrong. There's plenty of sex and it's pretty good for the most part, but it doesn't quite live up to the high standards of the production. For one thing, there aren't enough cumshots. There's at least two great scenes that end without a pop, one of them involving a DP or "sandwich" as they called it in the good ol' days. While it didn't bother me, some viewers will be bothered by the amount of bush displayed by these girls. As Gloria Leonard explains in the commentary, you must put the film in historical context and realize that such drastic hair removal practices weren't conducted at the time of the production. I can accept that, but what about Lynx Cannon's hairy armpits?

Watching this DVD made me wish that I-Candy had the rights to release every classic porno. The picture quality here is absolutely perfect. Having just reviewed Caballero's release of Amanda By Night which was transferred from an actual 35mm print, the picture quality in Nurses puts that and many other titles (including recent ones) to shame. The sound didn't exhibit the digital clarity of modern titles, but this is an old movie and taking that into consideration it was more than adequate. Beside the great transfer of the feature, the DVD offers several extras including a commentary with porn pioneers Gloria Leonard and Bill Margold. Although they don't always stay on topic, the commentary is very insightful, especially if you're interested in the early days of porn. The disc also features a couple of trailers for two Marilyn Chambers movies (Insatiable and Up 'N Coming), but oddly, there's no trailer for the main feature. In addition to the usual chapter stops and photo gallery, there's also a trivia game which asks true or false questions about the film. It's somewhat limited but adds a nice touch.

Even if you weren't a fan of M*A*S*H, Nurses of the 407 is a well made film with a good mix of sex and humor. Unlike many classics that get the DVD shovel treatment, I-Candy put some effort and expense into making this a high quality release. Fans of classic porn will want to seek it out. After seeing this one, I look forward to viewing more I-Candy releases. Keep up the great work!

Here is another porn film that follows the time-honored convention of parodying a mainstream movie or television show. Shot on a soundstage in San Francisco in 1982, the movie has the look and feel of the hit seventies and early 80s TV show, M*A*S*H. In fact, the overhead footage at the beginning of the film is the same outdoor set built for the mainstream show.

Paul Thomas plays the "Hawkeye" character, called "Jaybird," and Joey Silvera plays the Radar character. The female lead, "hot hips Henderson," is played by Jessie St. James, who looks remarkably like "hot lips Hoolihan." St. James does a remarkable acting job, and even seems to have some of Loretta Swit's style and mannerisms.

Unfortunately, this film's close similarity to the show it is parodying is about the only thing it has going for it. The sex scenes are brief, a couple of them lack money shots, the women are average in the looks department, and the script is lame. The movie revolves around Herschel Savage coming in with a broken toe, and eventually being almost killed by the wonderful treatment of the 407th. This is not nearly as funny or witty as the average Jace Rocker comedy. The only bright spots are the charismatic St. James, and a girl name Kathleen Kristal, who only did a handful of films and had wonderful, natural breasts.

I-candy did a very nice job on what they had to work with, and supply a commentary with Gloria Leonard and Bill Margold, neither of whom was involved with the production of the film. In fact, neither of them even knew who made the film. Why couldn't Paul Thomas, who is still alive and making films in porn valley, be bothered to take 74 minutes and comment on this movie? At least he would have known who the director was. Margold and Leonard are a little partial to the 70s style of porn. They praise the plot-driven movies and shorter sex scenes, and decry the 20-minute long sex scenes of modern porn. Leonard tells one anecdote, however, that hurts her case. She said that once she was shooting a scene with John Holmes and, after the director had gotten all he needed and yelled "cut," she and Holmes went to another room and finished what they started. What they did off camera, she relates, was a lot more interesting than what the director filmed. Doesn't that argue for keeping the cameras rolling for as long as it takes?

This film lacks the both the wit and the heat to make it very memorable. I appreciate that I-candy is trying to preserve some of the classics, but I would have left this run-of-the-mill exploitation pic to its well-deserved obscurity.

Man, this is a trip down memory lane and then some. There are people watching porn now (legally) who are years younger than this movie. Not only was Joey Silvera young once, he was actually lucid. In fact, this film is old enough to be a parody of the movie M*A*S*H, rather than the series (how they got away with stealing the intro footage, we'll never know.)

Given all that, the disc looks really good. There's a bit of edge and contrast pixelation, but overall it's . Most of the complaints are due to the source having aged poorly (Bob knows it was probably kept in a filing cabinet somewhere for all these years). The audio commentary by Gloria Leonard and Bill Margold is half tickler, and half pain-in-the-ass. You'll have to figure out which is which. Pre-nom for Best Classic DVD.

Extras: Live-play still gallery, performer bios, trailer, audio commentary, trivia game.