Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4

Now here's a sequel (of sorts) that I never thought would happen: Cash Markman has returned to his Sex Trek series (one that he took over from directors Scotty Fox and Mark Stone), and he's even reunited most of his cast - most importantly Randy Spears as Captain James Quark and Mike Horner as Mr. Sperm.

The effects are of the bargain basement variety, and the sets aren't much better (although they do look quite similar to the original Star Trek series), but the real hidden gem here is Markman's witty script. He's obviously a fan of the show, and fellow Trekkies...or at least those of them that watch porn...are really going to appreciate all the references and in-jokes that run throughout the movie.

The plot has the crew coming across a derelict spacecraft from the 20th Century. Aboard it is Harry Balls and three pornstars (all playing themselves): Katie Morgan, Malibu and Rita Faltoyano. This, or course, is a spoof on the original Star Trek episode, "Mudd's Women", although these girls do quite a lot more to the crew (as you can imagine) than anything William Shatner ever saw!

The sexual action consists of five different sex scenes, beginning with a pairing between Katie Morgan and Randy Spears that includes missionary, cowgirl and a pop-shot onto her tits. Scene Two is a lesbian duo in "Sick Bay" between Malibu and Rita; while Scene Three has Gabriella Banks making out with an uncredited African American performer on the bridge of the ship. Ron Jeremy gets it on with Vicky Vette in the next-to-last scene; while Mike Horner blasts "green sperm" (actually icing) onto Katie in the final coupling of the movie.

Sadly, compared to the humor of the script, the actual sex in Sex Trek falls pretty flat. There's nothing here that rises above what you'll see on most other DVDs, and in fact, most of the action here is pretty "mild" - reminding me of the kind of porn you saw back in the late 80s and early 90s. The fact that the movie has been pretty much shot "on the cheap" also adds to that 80s/90s feel, with an average transfer to DVD in the full-frame format and 2.0 sound.

Extras are equally unimpressive - offering buyers only a slide show, a cumshot recap and a handful of trailers for other Platinum Blue titles. The case for the movie contained a card promising a free movie via the Internet, but the only way you'll get to see it is if you agree to sign up for a free trial membership to a website (whose name will not pass my lips here)...meaning you'll need to enter your credit card info to do so. It's also one of those "free trials" where you need to cancel quickly or get your credit card charged for a full-months membership. In other words, it's a shady (or at the very least slimy) promotion, and one I encourage buyers to just steer clear of.

As long as buyers (or renters) go into Sex Trek knowing it's low-end, they should have a pretty fun time with it. It's a fun parody of the famous mainstream show and worth checking out, although you may want to rent instead of buy. There is a preview for the next episode at the end of the movie, so hopefully we'll get a few more volumes in the near future.

My wife and I have long been fans of the original Star Trek, which made buying this movie a given. The cheesy sets and overacting in this spoof were right in line with the original show! From the spoof names - Mr. Jackoff, Sperm, Captain Quirk; to Randy Spears dead-on Kirk - we couldn't stop laughing. The sex scenes were good - nothing over the top, but they didn't take away from the movie. This one is a keeper for us.