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Merry X-Miss

Mirage Entertainment | 1986

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Based on 1 Review.

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Merry X-Mess

By Diesel
Classic X Collection strikes out again with the release of MERRY X-MISS, a dubiously categorized "classic" featuring Samantha Strong, whose blonde, busty, blue-eyed appearance is not nearly enough to save this video from the great sea of utter mediocrity. I don't expect greatness when it comes to getting the classics (even the very questionable classics) transferred onto the digital medium, but I do expect a degree of competency and care. This title, however, doesn't even aspire to be anything less than a DVD version of some worn and weathered porno rental tape.

By coincidence, I happened to review this movie shortly after viewing SEYMORE BUTTS' A CHRISTMAS ORGY, and the difference between these two holiday themed videos was like the difference between Frosty The Snowman and Mr. Hankey, The Christmas . Perhaps Santa Claus means to give A CHRISTMAS ORGY to all the good boys and girls, while bratty little bastards get MERRY X-MISS. Either way, a single scene from Seymore Butts' festive celebration has ten times the erotic value than the entirety of MERRY X-MISS.

Bleached blonde Lois Ayres, who was so good in EVERY WOMAN HAS A FANTASY 2 and THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES 3 & 4, gives us two middle of the road boy-girl scenes in quick successions. She sucks and fucks Herschel Savage to orgasmic bliss, but has a helluva time getting Johnny Nineteen up, who is limper than an overcooked noodle when going in and out of her mouth. As it turns out, Samantha Strong has no better luck sucking his cock when she takes a break from giving pleasure to Mr. Savage to give Lois a break. Eventually, both guys manage to spill their seed on the lower extremities of both women, but it is a long and tired session, which will certainly bore any discriminating porn fan to death.

An actress who has done much, much better work in movies like Andrew Blake's SECRETS, Ms. Strong is surprisingly bored and boring in her twin scenes, including a distinctly anti-climactic tryst with Francois Papillion. She begins with Herschel Savage, offering a hearty if uninspired blowjob before climbing on top of him for some cowgirl action. There is an abrupt transition in scenes (which sure as hell looks like something was edited out, or else the fifth generation master tape broke and the DVD engineers had to do a quick splice and patch-up job) when we find Francois approaching a melancholy Samantha for some sexual consoling. Our blonde bombshell hardly moves at all while Francois is eating her out before fucking her in a spooning position, and the editors play much of the scene in slow-motion to pad the remaining time for this one hour, eight minute movie (which includes end credits!).

Short Stud, who plays Sid, The Elf, is a bit scarier than Hank the Dwarf, and about half as charming. His scene with Rose Marie is about as erotic as cleaning up roadkill: after fucking her with a pink dildo, he gnaws at her pussy while his wart-covered, prosthetic nose presses against her clit. He then fucks her doggy and missionary style before cumming in her mouth. The elf makeup and general unsightliness of their scene makes this an affair to dis-remember. However, African-American Miss Sade tries her best to please Francois Papillion, who eventually gets hard enough to pound her good. Theirs is the best scene in this woefully lackluster video. Mind you, I'm not saying that their little exchange of Christmas cheer is great by any means, but it sure as hell beats the lumps of coal which make up for the rest of the film.

As with another release from Classic X Collection that I recently reviewed (SPERM BUSTERS), there are no extras whatsoever. The disc is divided into two chapters (the beginning of the movie, and the final scene with Strong/Papillion scene), but I happened to find this out accidentally, since there is not even a menu available! When it comes to bargain basement values, Classic X Collection is definitely close to the depths of DVD Hell.

MERRY X-MISS is the kind of gift you might expect to receive from a Christmas-stealing Grinch. Just make sure to hold on to that receipt.

Product Information

Synopsis:

Have you been naughty or nice this year? If you're just a little bit naughty, then a visit from the Merry X-Miss is in store for you...I bet you can hardly wait to get your stocking stuffed! This Christmas, you can forget waiting to be kissed under the mistletoe. Just hookup with this crew and skip straight to tons of hardcore fucking.

Running Time:
1 hrs. 8 mins.
Release Year:
1986
Released:
Jun 11 2001
Starring:
Lois Ayres, Miss Sade, Rose Marie, Samantha Strong, Francois Papillon, Herschel Savage, Johnny Nineteen, Short Stud