Busty Beauties: All Greased Up

BUSTY BEAUTIES ALL GREASED UP is about 80% accurate when it comes to describing this disc. Yes, the girls are top-heavy. Yes, they are coated with oil. But not all of them qualify as "beauties," unless you have a particular big tit-fetish where the rest of the body is irrelevant. I'll admit that I didn't recognize any of the five girls starring in this flick, and I doubt that I would actively look for any of their other titles in the future. Unlike much of the male population, I'm simply not that fascinated with extra-large breasts. Give me a pretty face and a hot pair of legs, and I'm happy. Sure, big boobs look good under a sweater, and in the case of superior performers like Tory Lane, Tori Welles, Julia Ann and Briana Banks, the top-heavy qualities (artificially enhanced or not) are just part of the overall fun.

However, Director Mark Kismet doesn't seem particularly inspired to go beyond convention. The set-ups are laughably contrived: each couple has a chance meeting on different sets of a porno studio, and then they fuck. In one way or another, the girl gets her chest doused with oil, and in between the usual suck and fuck, there is some fondling, tit-fucking, and the inevitable cumshot to the chest. It's as formulaic as a tea bag in hot water. I know that there's an implied satirical element to what's going on, but its flat presentation just kills the so-called humor.

The movie begins with brunette Daphne Rosen and blonde Friday showing up on a porno set. They express their awe and fascination with their surroundings, and then have fun by blowing soap bubbles on each others chest. Christian XXX stops by, and mumbles something so unintelligible that I questioned whether he was recovering from a stroke (as it turns out, he also says something about being on the porn set, which doesn't add that much more characterization or depth to the proceedings). Friday leaves (only to return again at the end), and Daphne is left to entertain Christian. I could have done without the point-of-view blowjob shots, which do not flatter Miss Rosen in the least, but the rest of the standard screwing is acceptable. Mr. XXX cums on her chest, and the scene ends.

Elsewhere on the set, Gianna shows up with John West, as they both settle down on a couch discussing their day's work. The dialogue sounds improvised, and rambles on painfully. Gianna takes note of a bottle of oil on the table and a popular body positioning game set-up on the floor. (The trademark name - like so many other products in this flick - is blocked out, but we're all familiar with how the colored spots and spinning instructions work.) They play the game for a little while, adding their own curious (and un-erotic) positions to the mix. Then they break out the oil and retreat to the couch to have sex. He eats her out, then she blows and tit-fucks him, and then they assume the standard banging poses leading up to his pop-shot.

Carly Parker appears next, explaining to Mike Hawk that she's waiting for her turn to do a greased up girl-girl scene (which, had it actually occurred, might have been better than most of the boy-girl scenes here). Yet another game from yesteryear is found on the floor, namely, the hula-hoop. She swivels her hips inside the ring for awhile, and we see her boobs bounce up and down, which is only slightly more exciting than the previous game. Some oil is applied, and the two kiss, but it's about as hot and as passionate as seeing Michael Jackson kissing Elvis's daughter. The sucking and fucking is okay, and it's clear that Carly looks her best when riding him in reverse-cowgirl. As cute as Miss Parker is, I was already bored by the carnal routine and had to fight the urge to skip ahead to the next scene.

But persevere, I did. After Carly's chest was properly slimed, another blonde in the form of Tyler Faith was up to bat. She meets up with Lee Stone, an overzealous motorcycle enthusiast, who has graciously donated his prized possession for her photoshoot. Carelessly, she spills about an ounce or two of water (yes, water) out of her coffee cup and onto his seat, and he goes nuts. She strips off her black bra to mop up the remaining drops, and although there is no permanent damage, he is remains angry enough to dump motor oil (or what is a reasonable lookalike concoction) on her chest. An eye for an eye, as the Bible says. There is an awkward fade-out, and we then see two getting ready for a make-up fuck. He places Miss Faith on his seat and eats her out heartily. It's apparent that he finds bodily fluids to be less of a danger to his bike, since he also screws her on the seat and on the floor. For the finale, he pops on (where else?) Her chest.

Things come to full circle when Friday reappears to greet Christian XXX (who still insists upon muttering his lines like a Don Corleone). He's about ready to shower after his opening scene with Daphne (I would, too) but she insists upon getting her turn. Surprisingly, Friday's fun and playful attitude helps this finale rise above the average. She reacts convincingly when getting her tits rubbed from behind, and her wet, deep blowjobs are excellent. Even the kissing is hotter and more enthusiastic than the collective chemistry of all the other pairings. He eats her out on a bench, then fucks her everywhere else around the shower. While Friday certainly doesn't fit my preferred pornstar body-type, she is too bubbly and cute to dismiss. It goes without saying that if the first four scenes of BUSTY BEAUTIES ALL GREASED UP was as good as this one, I would have enjoyed the video a hell of a lot more.

Because of the subject matter, this disc naturally deals with certain body types ranging from the merely zaftig to the really extra thick. So fitness fanatics should be aware that the Blu-ray picture mercilessly magnifies every square inch of cellulite, and every patch of stretch marks with lifelike clarity. (Hey, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy the misfortune to see my own train-wrecked body in high def.) Colors are bright and solid, and porno has never looked better than when seen on Blu-ray. The Behind The Scenes footage is not nearly as interesting as some of the better featurettes I've seen in Digital Playground and Anabolic videos, and for whatever reason, not all of the previews for Hustler's Blu-ray line are displayed in widescreen. Also, THE MUNSTERS spot looks more like a teaser than a trailer, which is too bad considering how much work went into producing that amusing parody.

After reviewing this disc, it occurred to me that most of the titles being released on Blu-ray have become rather random and indiscriminate, and concentrated almost solely on recent releases. Surely, there are better and more critically acclaimed titles in Hustler's catalog which deserve the high definition treatment. That's not to say the BBAGU is a bad flick and doesn't deserve to be on Blu-ray, but it is strictly run-of-the-mill hardcore which fails to meet the studio's previously daring standards. I recommend this otherwise well-produced disc for those who love of big boobs can override their tolerance for mediocrity.