XXX Trek

I guess I was expecting a bit more out of this title. As a casual fan (meaning I don't attend conventions) of the television series and its numerous spin-offs, I've been waiting to see a good Star Trek porn parody for quite some time. Looks like I'll have to wait a bit longer. This production from Erotic Angel has its heart in the right place, but the execution and production values leave much to be desired. It's another case of a great premise that ultimately suffers from a lack of funds.

The ever flexible Randy Spears heads an otherwise B-list cast as Captain Quirk in this installment entitled, "The Man Eater". The episode starts with a pizza delivery away team mission to a sparsely inhabited planet. Accompanied by Dr. Boner (Steve Austin) and security officer Dunsel (Christian Steel), Captain Quirk and his men unwittingly walk into an alien trap. Starting with Dunsel on the planet's surface, Nancy Mooner (Tina Tyler) is a shape shifting alien who takes the form of every man's fantasy and proceeds to suck them dry. In Dunsel's case, she turns into the ship's medical officer, Nurse Chapstick (Farrah), and proceeds to free him of his semen. Masquerading as a helpless civilian, Miss Mooner infiltrates the starship and sets her sights on the crew. It's up to Captain Quirk to uncover Miss Mooner's true identity and protect his crew from the alien's irresistible but fatal allure.

Of the five scenes, the last one is the best as Captain Quirk and Nancy Mooner face off in a carnal duel on the ship's bridge. In one of the best lines ever delivered in porno, Quirk exclaims, "If you want my semen, you'll have to suck it from my body!" Sitting in the Captain's chair with her legs spread wide, Miss Mooner attempts to withstand the good Captain's oral routine as he laps away at her pink folds. But trouble looms as she directs her attention to the Captain's log bulging out the front of his pants. She slowly works the shaft with her mouth and hands, and even teases his scrotum with her tongue...but somehow the captain withstands this aggressive advance. Miss Mooner then mounts the Captain in a reverse cowgirl while he fondles her jiggling breasts. Attempting to milk Quirk of his vital fluids, she changes position to a cowgirl and increases the pace of her ballistic thrusting. But before long, the Captain takes the upper hand by bending her over his chair and taking her from behind. This is soon followed by a missionary pounding while Miss Mooner is scrunched up in the Captain's chair. On his own terms, Quirk fires a full spread of jizz across Miss Mooner's face. Fortunately, Dr. Bones and Mr. Sperm arrive on the bridge just in time to prevent the Captain from being sucked dry. Using a specially modified phaser, Dr. Bones shoots Miss Mooner and reveals her true identity... Tina Tyler wearing a rubber alien mask.

From the set and costume design to the opening title sequence, the production does a fairly good job of replicating its source material. The transporter effects look pretty decent as do the shape-shifting effects exhibited by Tina Tyler's character. In addition, the acting and writing are quite impressive. Randy Spears calls upon his comical acting persona (which he fine tuned in the Double Feature movies) to bring Captain Quirk to life. Using Shatner-esque dramatic pauses, his impersonation is anything but original, but it gets the job done. Likewise, Mike Horner's turn as Mr. Sperm is well done, but nothing new. The script is full of mild comedy and obscure references that take more than one sitting to completely filter. However, the mediocre sex scenes and poor production values might persuade you to spend your time more wisely.

There's a fine line between stylish camp (or kitsch) and just plain tackiness. Unfortunately, the production has one foot firmly planted on both sides of that line. Most distracting are the lame exterior shots of the Starship Intercourse. The flyby sequences are computer generated, but rendered at such a low resolution that pixelation is easily visible. If you're going to go through the trouble of implementing CGI, at least do it right. It would have been much funnier (and effective) to have a plastic model pass by a stationary star field. As for the sets, it seems that even a conservatively funded porno production in the 1990s could at least parallel the quality of a 1960s low budget television set. Most of the interior locations look fine, but the exterior setting in the first scene is pretty weak; instead of a vanishing horizon line, there's simply a red wall behind the actors. If you can't pull it off, don't write it in the script. Finally, there are several instances when objects or people (crew members?) invade the perimeter of the frame. In most productions these imperfect shots would be cut, but for some reason they're kept in here. This is just shoddy filmmaking and shouldn't be tolerated under any circumstance or premise.

Consistent with the feature, the DVD isn't anything special. The picture looks on par with any shot on video feature transferred to DVD. There's plenty of pixelation and compression artifacts, but it doesn't distract to the point of becoming annoying. The problem with the sound stems from a poor initial recording. It sounds like a single camera mounted microphone captured the audio instead of an external boom mic. Therefore much of the dialogue is recorded quite low, the viewer to crank up the volume to hear the conversations. Nothing too drastic, but I tire easily of grabbing the remote every few minutes. To make things worse, the alleged 5.1 surround sound is actually only 2.0 stereo. Besides three trailers and a photo gallery, there's not much in the way of extras.

Needless to say, I was quite disappointed by this title. The story, dialogue, and sex are all pretty good, but the production values will keep me from viewing it over and over. Just think how great this could have been if it had a Wicked Pictures budget. Oh well, maybe Jon Morgan will consider doing a porno send-up of Star Wars. If so, I can't think of a better person to play space smuggler Hand Solo than Randy Spears.

Not long ago, I reviewed XXX TREK: THE FINAL ORGASM, and loved it so much, I just had to go back and take a look at the other XXX TREK title available on DVD: XXX TREK: THE MAN EATER. Did it live up to my expectations? Well, not only did I love this movie, but it is funnier, better written, and even sexier than the other film!

When STAR TREK first came on TV, the very first episode that aired was called "The Man Trap", it was about an alien that could take the form of any woman and could only survive by sucking the salt out of humans. If any STAR TREK episode had adult film parody written all over it, it was this one (although I am hoping for a take on "Mudd's Women" very soon!). Tina Tyler plays the alien shape shifter who can change into any form she wants (in other words, insert you favorite porn star here!). But it's not salt she's after. For this alien to survive she needs...yep, you guessed it...sperm! If only this woman would come visit our planet!

Randy Spears stars as Captain James T. Quirk, leader of the intrepid crew of the U.S.S. Intercourse. His partners in porn are Mike Horner as Mr. Sperm, and Steve Austin as Dr.Boner McJoy. In the opening scene, Quirk, Sperm and McJoy beam down to the alien planet along with Ensign Dunsel (played by Christian Steel). Gee, I wonder who is going to die?! Yes, like all classic STAR TREK episodes, the guy in the red shirt is a goner. At least this guy gets a little fun before his number is up. Tina morphs into the form of Farrah and seduces Christian. After he climaxes, his body slumps lifelessly to the ground. The sperm sucker has claimed her first victim.

Not knowing that Ms. Tyler is an evil alien, she is brought back onboard the Intercourse. In Sick Bay she starts to have some lesbian fun with Obsession. In the other XXX TREK movie, there was a similar scene in Sick Bay with Steve Austin (this one involving Farrah and Candy Apples) where two women got it on and all Steve got to do was jerk off. In fact, Steve sees no real action in the other TREK movie, so I thought it would be the same for him here. Fortunately, Steve not only gets a hot blow job from Obsession, he gets to cum all over her face. No penetration for Dr.McJoy, but at least he got somewhat involved in the action this time!

Meanwhile, a depressed Captain Quirk meets up with Yeoman Gland in the Turbolift. Gland is played by Candy Apples, and is probably the least sexy woman in this film...but that is more a comment on the other fantastic girls in this movie, rather than a shot at Ms.Apples. Candy asks the Captain what is bothering him, and he replies "We're thirty minutes into this movie...and I haven't had sex yet!" Well, sure enough, Candy answers the call to duty!

Back in Mr. Sperm's quarters, Audra Bliss comes to pay a visit. Of course, it is the alien taking another form, and Mr. Sperm realizes this immediately. But that doesn't stop him (wouldn't stop me either, come to think of it!) from letting her suck on his cock and then taking her on top of his bunk. The facial is interesting here, as we get to see what Mr.Sperm's cum actually looks like (with the help of some candy in Audra's mouth...but I don't want to give away the secrets of these spine-tingling special effects!).

In the conclusion to this great parody, Randy gets to take Tina (actually staying in her fabulous form, and not shifting into anyone else) right on top of the good 'ol captain's chair. Lucky for her neither of them hit any of those important buttons on the chair, although writer and director Markman missed a good joke here by not having them accidentally press the ship's intercom so the moaning could be heard throughout the vessel. The scene ends in another great facial (the fourth one in the film!) and a resolution to the crisis follows soon after.

I really enjoy these TREK movies, and I loved this one so much I intend to make it a permanent part of my adult library. Hopefully, I won't have to wait too long to see another chapter in the adventures of Captain Quark, as this is a really fun series to watch! The only negative (and it's just a small one) is that the features were a little less than whatI would hope for. There are three trailers (the same ones that appeared on the other TREK DVD), as well as chapter selection and a photo gallery. There are no bloopers during the end credits like there are on the other TREK film, and I think some bios of the characters (not the actors...but the characters!) would be a neat addition. We could click on Captain Quirk and see all his stats...planets visited, babes conquered, that sort of thing! Like I said, it is a small drawback to an otherwise fantastic DVD, that also provides superior video and audio quality.

I ordered this in hopes to get the original video with normal camera work. The version I got was "animated style" similar to A Scanner Darkly. Well, tell you what, this format does not work for porn. Who wants to see a grainy animated overlay on good porn video?

Cash Markman's comedic ultracheese variation on the adventures of the starship Enterprise has been around almost as long as the show it parodies. This volume was a strong contender for Best Comedy at the 2000 AVN Awards, and is prime DVD material.

The disc looks pretty good, although it has edge pixelation and color moire. The audio, billed as 5.1 surround, is actually regular stereo. The behind-the-scenes photos ad strip blackjack listed on the jacket are also not on the disc.

Extras: Live-play still gallery, trailers.