Porn Wars

Porn Wars is supposedly Private's big fall release - the movie that they hope will bring them the most awards and accolades for 2006. It is, in case you haven't guessed, a spoof of George Lucas' popular sci-fi saga, and it does a pretty decent job in parodying the look and feel of his movies - particularly 1977's Star Wars. But the problem for me wasn't the comparison between those two movies, but between Porn Wars and Wicked's 2003 flick Space Nuts. In short, Space Nuts was a much better spoof, and because of that, I'm only giving Porn Wars a modest recommendation instead of an overwhelming one, since I believe it's the lesser of the two flicks.

The movie borrows a little bit from both Lucas' original trilogy, as well as his prequel trilogy, and tells the story of the Jodi warriors, whom we are told have gone somewhat into hiding because their numbers are dwindling thanks to the evil Seth, who are hunting them down and killing them. We begin the movie in the temple of the Jodi, where two Jodi warriors - played by Sandra Parker (sporting a wild blonde hairdo) and Antonio Ross have a little post-training make-out session.

There's always a Jodi/Jedi being lured to the "dark side" and in Porn Wars it's one played by Mya Diamond, who is seduced (in more ways than one) by Horst Baron in the second sexual scene of this movie. The best scenes in Porn Wars prove to be the ones where the good guys are making out with the bad guys, and this is one of the couplings in the movie that really has some "heat" to it (of course, the fact that Mya keeps her sexy black boots on throughout the action doesn't hurt!).

Jodi have been ambushed on a nearby planet, and a rescue team is sent out to investigate. Mya wants to be part of the party, but she is told by her Jodi elders (played by Tera Bond and Antonio Ross) that she is too unstable of a Jodi to go along. Instead, Tera and Antonio are accompanied by Nikki Rider and Liz Honey, and the two girls discover "The Drifter" (a blonde male performer) in the Jodi temple on the planet's surface. They get into a threesome with him, and we get to see Liz take it up the ass during the three-way.

After a flashback segment in which we get to see how the Jodi were ambushed by the Seth (while some of the special effects in Porn Wars seem rather cheesy, they do get the lightsaber stuff correct), Tera, Antonio and the others leave in their spaceship - only to get attacked by four Seth ships. They manage to destroy the ships, and soon dock with a nearby space station, where they go to a bar (yes, this is where the cantina scene from the original Star Wars gets spoofed) and Tera winds up pumping (quite literally!) Lauro Giotto for some much needed information.

As they are exiting the bar, they discover that Mya has been following them. They arrest her and take her back to the Jodi base where she's thrown into a cell. Tera and Antonio then decide to set a trap for the Seth by leaking information to Mya. They let her escape and take the info back to the leader of the Seth - played by blonde-haired Victoria Swinger (who's sporting some evil red eyes in the movie!).

After a nice girl/girl lesbian session between Mya and Victoria (Mya's "payment" for delivering the information), Victoria and Horst Baron go to confront Tera and Antonio, who tell the evil Seth team that they will not fight them with lightsabers...but with sex instead! Yep, think how much better The Phantom Menace would have been had it ended with a foursome instead of that pesky little kid and Jar Jar! The four-way with Tera, Victoria, Horst and Antonio is by far the best scene in Porn Wars and includes a double penetration of Victoria, with Horst in her pussy and Antonio up her behind.

The biggest problem with Porn Wars (which is presented in anamorphic widscreen and hasn't been dubbed...the performers all speak English - at least as best as they can!) is that the visuals and sets are just a bit too cheesy for 2006 audiences. Private can (and has) done a pretty good job on other releases as far as the budget goes, so I'm guessing the look here was intentional - trying to make Porn Wars look like it had actually been filmed back in 1977, rather than today. So while the special effects here aren't quite laughably bad, they do induce a number of giggles, and the sets aren't exactly "cutting edge" either (the Jodi temple set is the worst of these - looking like a soundstage with some banners put up in the background).

So while Porn Wars isn't the blockbuster that it might have been, it's still an above-average adult release and -- let's be honest -- still a lot more entertaining than The Phantom Menace. Faint praise to be sure, but still fun enough to check out on DVD.

Incredible production and gorgeous girls make this film a must for the Private fans.. and for those who like sci-fi flicks.... who cares! Perfect bodies like Sandra Parker (or Sandra Blonde) and Tera Bond getting pounded deep.. also big busted Mya Diamond gets a very nice titcum..