Boobwatch

First parody bought during college years; Alektra Blue and Rebecca Linares' threesome scene is a must for those lonely nights.

Dr. Chauntelle does not use a rating system. Five stars is a default setting only.

It was one of those weeks - hectic.

So I decided to lift my spirits a little and watch Wicked Pictures' Boobwatch (2011). It looked funny.

This is what the box copy said:

"The sexy stars of Boobwatch aren't just teaching water safety. They're ready to school you on the fine art of random sex. Backyard BBQs, bathtub antics, and driveway car washing are just a few ways these beach bound babes will save the world... one orgasm as a time!"

Boobwatch parodies the silliness that was/is the most watched television show of all time, Baywatch (1989-1999)... but only sort of. The film opens with a very "Baywatch"-esque sequence ? beach and ocean shots, seriously cheesy 90s-sounding music, and lifeguard-costumed starlets running in slow motion.

And then the sun comes up, and Alektra Blue, Boobwatch's head guard, speaks.

"Patrolling our nation's beaches from unseen dangers like drowning, lack of improper sunscreen, and extensive amounts of sand in one's bathing suit bottoms is a job not for the weak of heart. All of this falls onto the soldiers of a true unsung hero - the lifeguard.

My name is Alektra, and I have taken it upon myself to not only keep our beautiful nation's beaches safe, but to take my extensive three-day lifeguard certification and extend my jurisdiction to our defenseless suburban neighborhoods as well. With the help from my team of highly skilled and extremely busty lifeguards, we will help the helpless and defend the weak from beach-like dangers. For this is our story."

Oh my gosh, the high drama campy ridiculousness... and then Alektra is running. Again. In slow motion. On the beach. Toward the camera.

It's incredible. And hilarious. And incredibly hilarious. (no joke)
In order to maintain this already high bar of camp hilarity, viewers are presented with a quintet of the most ludicrous water- and sorta water-related rescues imaginable. Because they are so amazing:

One - Alektra narrowly saves Rebeca Linares and Danny Mountain from a dangerous weenie roast... in a backyard... because she's trying to protect the beach from open flames. And then they have sex.

Two - Jayden James employs her CPR training and resuscitates Tommy Gunn from choking... on a fly... that he swallowed while working out. Because there's an outdoor gym in Venice, and that's somehow interconnected to lifeguarding and to Tommy Gunn (who, incidentally, was working out indoors)? And then they have sex.

Three - Lisa Ann, clever minx, saves Rocco Reed from shark-infested waters... in a bubble bath... because "no body of water is safe without a lifeguard." And then they have sex. (you get the idea that this is what she had in mind all along)

Four - Carolyn Reese not only saves Dan Cross from drowning in a pail of potentially hazardous carwash water ("you never know when it might splash!!"), she substantiates Tommy Gunn's fantastical tail of a hott lifeguard "encounter" in the gym (scene two). And then they have sex.

Five - our heroic head guard Alektra returns to save Chris Johnson from drowning in a pool... that he's not even in (because he's laying out). And guess what? Then they have sex.

Collectively, the entire thing is a-ma-zing.

Each guard carries a rescue can and wears a red one-piece swimsuit (totally regulation). Each guard also has her own shiny gold whistle, the blowing of which announces her respective entrance... err... rescue.

And each guard's appearance on the scene is slow-motion mega awesome set to some pretty incredible/ridiculous surf music. Whatsmore, to add to the already overwhelming silliness, our busty civil servants make their slo-mo tracks in some pretty severe, and pretty severely cute, heels... well, all except for Jayden James - she wears sneakers. (watch out Alektra - she's gunning for your job!!)

In my humble opinion, Lisa Ann delivers the best lifeguard camp, but each scene is really unique and hysterical. Honestly - I laughed out loud. A lot.

But there's more to Boobwatch than just boob watching. Wicked Pictures and filmmaker Jonathan Morgan engage a US and global cultural icon in order to poke fun at... themselves. They create a parody version of "Baywatch" that recreates many classic porn clichés a la "I'm here to deliver a pizza/fix a photocopier/save your life... and then we'll have sex."

Boobwatch is hilarious and fun and sexy. It's also an excellent parody. Although giving us a pornified version of Mitch and CJ and the rest of the gang would've been awesome, Boobwatch uses the source material to deliver something new and fresh (which exemplifies parody at its finest and most complex)... and have a little fun at their own expense.

Recommended for: Baywatch aficionados, lifeguards, and that guy/girl who's waiting for the day when some hott chic comes up and says: "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" ...and means it.