3 Mistresses

Why, oh why, is Vivid running back to the celebrity well yet again? As though the Joslyn James film that was the spoof of a certain well-known golfer wasn't enough, here comes Vivid again with 3 Mistresses, a retelling of the same story. How can you tell you're probably doing something celeb-scummy? When you have to put a disclaimer the size of the one on the bottom of the box cover on your disc to keep from getting sued. Honestly, it's been more than a year. It's time to let this go. Then I flip the box cover over, and already I see a strap-on. Sorry, but that's one of those no-go zones for me. Having a hetero analog in an all-girl scene strikes me as somewhat unnecessary in a hetero-targeted feature. I can kind of understand it as part of an all-girl film that is trying to appeal to a female audience, but that very clearly is not what Vivid is trying to do here. Then again, B. Skow is directing, so I probably can't tell what he's trying to do in general. Because this is a Vivid film, there are, of course, terrible commercials in the opening. At least now they have the courtesy to mention that you can skip them by pressing the menu button. Why do I love Wicked? Because they run trailers for their other excellent films before their presentation. What do we get from Vivid?

The terrifying Monique Alexander pimping Vivid's website, her over-sized earring (no, not really), and asking the question if she's our favourite Vivid girl. The polite answer is "no," Monique. Then it's Vivid condoms. I'm sure the guitar one is next... nailed it! We get irritating guitar riffs, and more of Monique Alexander trying to sell us crap. And it would help if the microphone was on for that last line. Then it's a poster and calendar company that's about four years out of date. Now it's time for Vivid sex toys. Why do they have their sales people swear for no reason? And now phone sex. Why am I highlighting all of this? Because they're putting it out there before their feature, and it honestly cheapens their overall product and brand. I hope they realize that.

To my way of thinking, Vivid is just an empty shell of what it used to be. And I'll keep repeating what these commercials do to their image until they realize that. Right, I guess I should talk about the film. Good on Vivid, incidentally, for doing menus the right way. Too many studios just have the generic template, where it lists the chapter number and doesn't tell us anything else. Vivid gives us names, then the choice of where to join the scene. Incidentally, what is this putrid menu music? Terrible interview before the final scene, the one that has all the ladies involved. Here's saying "fucking" and general grammar awfulness from what I assume is Skow behind the camera, while Joslyn James has her legs spread and the camera is down low like a poorly captured
reverse cowgirl. Joslyn's part just gets worse and worse. Devon James does the same thing. Terrible. I'm actually getting dumber while I'm watching this, so please pardon any misspellings between now and the end of this review type thing. Holly Sampson gets in on the terrible interview act towards the end, too. Ugh, let's skip to what they're allegedly doing together, shall we? Why do we film blowjob sequences on strap-ons? Maybe this isn't any better than the interview part. Then it all gets pretty typical, though the lights aren't great and the production values look bout fifteen years out of date. And something looks seriously wrong with the breasts on Joslyn James. Look, it's a gossipy piece of schlock that is attempting to infuse schadenfreude with porn, and the end result is what I imagine a TMZ holiday party would look like. I wish I could say I thought more highly of Vivid than that, but what they've done to their reputation puts this film right in their wheelhouse. Maybe some day the former powerhouse studio will regain some of its glory, but as long as they give Skow the keys to the kingdom, they're going nowhere fast.