Screaming Assgasms!

The Stradivarius is one of those wonders, something we understand how it was made but we can't quite replicate. Masters of the violin like Anne-Sophie Mutter play cherished instruments that are centuries old. Everything came together just right to make these instruments happen. Why am I telling you this? Because of the abortion that is the electric strings in the music of the menu of Screaming Assgasms. To be fair, if I'd stop fucking around on the internet (hey, hockey and soccer are both going on and that's a lot to read), I could just hit play on my portable DVD player and make it stop. But I haven't. And it keeps going. While we've tried to replicate the Stradivarius with mixed results, this is more attempting to impersonate a network TV show of the 80s with bad beats from circa 1994. And don't get me started on the visual nightmare that is the background. I think someone's neurons exploded on graph paper or something. Honestly, who the hell named this? Is assgasm a thing now? My spellcheck doesn't know what the fuck to do with it. Nor does my brain. On the other hand, we have Chanel Preston and Remy LaCroix in the same film. And Zoey Monroe looking good. It sounds weird, but Zoey has two kind of scenes: ones where I think she looks fantastic and other where she's anonymous. She starts this one off, and she's doing some of her tease in front of some coloured glass sculpture thing. I'm a relatively cultured individual, and I can't tell what the fuck is going on there. It's like the makers of Candyland got into the fine arts. As seems to be the norm lately, Zoey is taking on two guys at once. Which means a man-meat pie. It's really hard to get great looks at the lady talent when this happens, and even the great William H. is getting to be guilty of low camera syndrome in this one. Moving up just two feet and tilting down would have made such a difference in the reverse cowgirl DP. I'm not feeling it with Bailey Blue. I'm just not. I don't know why. There's something about her tease bit that makes me uninterested in her. Skipping.

And then there's Chanel Preston. I've cited some image gallery out there that shows porn stars with and without makeup. Chanel Preston is another lady that comes out of that very well. Just as gorgeous without the eye cake. In fact, if there were only one tiny thing I would change about Chanel, it's the crotch tattoo. I just never like those. But she does something kind of rare: she manages a scene where the lady doesn't get overshadowed by James Deen. She more than holds her own, and this scene is excellent.

If you've never gotten to see that Remy is, indeed, good with a hula hoop, you get a reminder of that here. She did one of the Cuties films with Elegant Angel featuring that (as well as Lexi Belle zooming around on roller skates), and this one isn't quite the extended sexy clinic of her skills, but it is a nice reminder of the finely shaped legs and ass this lady has. This dude is downright weird with her, though. Is that, no, I can't tell. It almost looks like Mike Adriano, honestly. Does he star in films for others? Maybe it's just someone I don't know. Kind of honks up the facial by jerking it so hard, though. I've said before and I still feel that Skin Diamond is a bit of a mystery for me. I can't quite get up to having an opinion about her. I'm trying, but I'm failing. She's just a bit anonymous in most of her scenes. She's opposite Dana DeArmond here, who I love aside from the bangs. I don't know why I'm so anti-bangs lately. And that's what we've got. If you know William H., you know what we're generally getting. The cast is relatively solid, though I'm not sold on the whole thing. Overall, however, it's well made, and between Remy and Chanel, I'd call it one you should really buy.