House of Love

Those wacky Europeans, the same folks who brought us the bidet, warm , Hitler and the Black Death, are back with their latest porn offering, HOUSE OF LOVE, an October 2000 release from Private Media, directed by Pierre Woodman. This lengthy film (clocking in at a healthy 131 minutes (not quite the 2 hours/55 minutes promised on the DVD case) stars a bevy of Hungarian, Czech and Latvian cuties being fouled by four swarthy Eastern European guys. (These girls are the best thing to come out of Eastern Europe since Bela Lugosi).

Shot at a scenic beach house in Deauville, France, the film, featuring seven scenes clearly meant for the international market, offers a number of language and subtitle options. However, I was frustrated that I could not hear the original dialogue and sounds of the girls moaning in their native tongue (I wish I could have used my native tongue to make then moan). The entire film, including the sounds of the ladies' pleasure, is (poorly) dubbed in the language of your choice (e.g. English, French, German, Italian, and Pig-Latin or some other wacky dialect I can't remember). The English dubbing is clearly performed by at least one cockney British guy while the rest of the cast is dubbed by Europeans speaking English. (At times I felt like I was watching one of those goofy "Banned in America" European candid camera-type videos they advertise on late-night TV.)Although I generally enjoyed this film, I found the inability to listen to the original sound (at least during the sex scenes) somewhat irritating and distracting. Nevertheless, the girls in HOUSE OF LOVE are all definitely little cuties with trim, natural, nubile, bodies and a penchant for anal and DP action.

Hovering in some twilight zone area between pure gonzo and stiltedly scripted porn action, HOUSE OF LOVE, follows the exploits of Mark, Pierre, Fred and the inexperienced Karim at the home of Mark's friend Meridian ("Zvetlana") a buxom, young, blonde Czech hottie and her horny gal pals. (Why is it that all European guys always dress like they just came from the after-Christmas sale at the Adidas or Fila store?) Don't bother trying to figure out the "plot" here because there isn't one. As the guys settle in, Pierre tells Fred of his past encounter with another male buddy in the bedroom of Ines and Inga, two trim, brunette honies. The girls engage in BJ action and get some finger manipulation from the guys before getting pounded in the cowgirl and missionary. The guys also give it to the girls where the sun don't shine and engage in some DP action before the scene ends in the girls getting man goo facials. (Fans of DP action will be happy to know that almost every scene involves the young ladies getting both of their holes happily filled and virtually every scene ends in a facial or mouth pop-shot).

Standout scenes include a lengthy session with trim, redheaded Monica Rossi (picture a young, trim, attractive Kathy Griffin), pleasuring two and then three of the guys, including taking some serious sausage simultaneously up both of her luscious holes, and adorable, blonde Michelle daydreaming about being fouled by Mark and Karim in a field. Michelle is a real stunner with a natural, girl-next-door look and it is great fun to watch this skinny fuck-doll eagerly get both of her pipes filled. Later, "Zvetlana's" sister, Yvette, stops by the house and takes care of two of the guys on the kitchen table, including, you guessed it, getting some cock up both of her tunnels faster than you can say "Slobodon Milosovic." Finally, Meridian sends off all her male guests with a rollicking gangbang scene, again including lots of anal and DP festivities, before the guys all show their appreciation by leaving some of their DNA in Meridian's greedy mouth.

All in all, while this film is no great porn masterpiece, it does star some fresh-faced, natural, wholesome looking, tattoo and piercing-free cuties engaging in lots of enthusiastic anal and DP action. The film doesn't skimp on time, the quality is generally above-average and the lighting is as good as anything I have ever seen from a shot-on-video release. There are minimal extras including a hassle-free direct access menu (thankfully dispensing with the virtual reality access crap you see in many American releases), photos, and a very detailed and informative bio section on each of the girls in the film (including age, nationality, and listings of their other appearances (again, I found this to be better done than some of the so-called "bios" found in American porn DVDs where you usually just get the girl's name and are told she likes cock ("well, duh"). Bottom line, if you are a fan of seeing hot, all-natural 19-24 year old girls getting DP'd (and who isn't?) and can tolerate the stilted English-language dubbed dialogue, then you should definitely pay a visit to HOUSE OF LOVE.

How weird is it that you can have a well-photographed porn film, with incredibly hot European women, having mad sex amidst outdoor and indoor settings, and directed by one of Europe's most accaimed auteurs of adult movies...and still result in a dull, lackluster DVD? Well, in the case of HOUSE OF LOVE, even the most ardent Private fan will feel a bit of disappointment in the sex-by-the-numbers hardcore happening here. Women like Monica Rossi and Michelle are stunning to watch, yet the strictly mechanical approach to sex wrings all the eroticism out of their scenes.

Without a decent story or plot to carry the movie, the sex is routine: one-by-one (or sometimes two-by-one), the girls get matched up with the guys and they bang and it ends. There were times when I felt like I was watching a compilation disc than an actual movie, since there is no suspense or drama present. I don't expect this genre to be as plot heavy as LA CONFIDENTIAL, but I would like something resembling a story to help carry the sex.

Don't get me wrong; on a purely functional, aesthetic level, this DVD is simply more private excellence and far surpasses most of the porn dreck that we pour out here. But this movie pales in comparison to titles like INDECENY, or THE FUGITIVE, or DANGEROUS THINGS.

Pierre Woodman and Private Video has always offered some of the best porn you can find, but HOUSE OF LOVE is just a bit too routine to get excited about.

I don't know...I just don't think that Pierre Woodman is that good of a director. Some of the shots are brilliant, and the gonzo-esque scene was a nice trick, but House of Love is still lacking. Maybe other Private features have spoiled me. To sum it up: Hot girls on average sex, and the dubbing isn't as bad as everyone says it is.