Dangerous Lives of Blondes

DANGEROUS LIVES OF BLONDES, a 2003 release from Legend Video, and directed by Jerome Tanner, envisions the sex lives of hot, ditzy blondes with the I.Q. level of a boiled potato. Although the female cast members are definitely boner-inducing and the sex is first-rate, I was disappointed that the director didn't consistently follow through with his promising thematic set-up.



Given that the DVD case for this flick boasts funny "facts" about blondes and how easy it is to dupe them into sex, I was looking forward to a fun, raunchy romp featuring lots of hot, young lovelies being conned or tricked into all sorts of naughty fun. Admittedly, the "naive, innocent" girl who can't seem to avoid getting into all sorts of sexual hijinx is one of my favorite porn conventions. This theme really hit its stride in early 1980's porn (e.g. "Inside Desiree Cousteau," "Erotic Adventures of Candy," "Alice in Wonderland" ) What made these films so great is that the situations were fun and the actors never broke character. When Desiree Cousteau plays a clothing store clerk who gets sexually assaulted by a female patron in a dressing room, she maintains her "character" throughout the scene (even asking the "customer" if she still intends to buy a dress when they are finished), which gives it a real sense of fun and excitement. Unfortunately, while the ladies in BLONDES get to toss off some funny Kelly Bundy-esque lines, they drop their fun, ditzy "characters" the minute the sex starts. If writer "Nelson X" had come up with some better situations and kept everyone in character throughout, BLONDES would be a homerun. Nevertheless, my pompous carping aside, BLONDES is still pretty damn entertaining.



The ditz-a-thon starts with trim, sexy, all-natural Holly Hollywood as a loopy blonde who can't seem to drive straight. When Officer Lee Stone and his colossal nightstick pull Holly over, her goofy answers to a sobriety test convince Officer Stone to whip out his beefy breathalyzer for Holly to blow on. Holly willingly obliges and before you can say "blondes have more fun," Lee hoists her over his head and lowers her luscious privates onto his tongue (now that takes upper body strength). Lee puts Holly down on the hood of his car for some more oral cavity searching before using his massive tool to pound her hard and deep in the missionary, standing and reverse cowgirl positions. Holly is a real hot, little number and gives a fun, vocal performance before taking a delivery of Lee's cream on her still pulsating, quivering pussy.



Meanwhile, super sexy British import, Hannah Harper, and her friend, busty Avy Scott, linger in a perfume store and trade blonde bon-mots while discussing their equally stupid friends. One of their friends is so stupid that when she discovers boyfriend, Joel Lawrence, cheating on her with Chloe Dior, she shoots herself in the head (luckily, her lack of brains prevents a fatal injury). The scene with Joel and Chloe has no particular thematic build-up and the two merely get right down to action. Chloe has a killer figure but a few too many unfortunate tattoos on her back. Thankfully, she keeps a top on through most of the scene, which keeps the tattoo distraction level to a minimum. Joel and Chloe trade off the usual sexual favors and positions and Joel finishes off between Chloe's ample knockers. Chloe has an amazing ass and pair of legs and it is a real treat to see her take some prolonged banging in the doggy position with her ass high up in the air and her long legs extended.



Back at the home of the stupid gunshot victim, her sister, leggy, busty, Kelly Passion, takes the opportunity to say her "dumb blonde" dialogue before getting down to some masturbation at the breakfast table. Kelly also has a knockout figure and firm, anti-gravity breasts and gives a fun, emotive, squealing performance as she thrusts a thick, purple dildo inside her sugar walls. Meanwhile, back at the perfume shop, Dillion manages to seduce Hannah and Avy into a three-way by merely wrapping a diamond necklace around his shlong. Much to the bemusement of the store clerk, Avy, Hannah and Dillion waste no time getting naked and trading off tongues and fingers in the middle of the shop. The ladies take turns riding Dillion's considerable pole while using their tongues to lick each others' available openings. Both ladies look great and give fun, loud performances and take a dual facial from Dillion for their efforts. Kelly Passion, looking even more dolled-up than before, has a nice, rousing suck-and-fuck session with her driving instructor, Steve Holmes, and gets a creamy approval on her vigorously abused pussy.



Finally, the whole gang of dopey, bleached blonde bimbos, get together for a wet t-shirt contest at "Club Facial." Although all the girls look terrific, Hannah wins the contest and gets an extra reward from MC, Evan Stone. In an amusing scene, Evan gleefully sucks and jiggles Hannah's luscious knockers as she expounds on how she wants people to respect her and not just to think of her as a "fuck doll." Evan promises to respect her as he her to her knees and thrusts his sizeable shlong into her pretty mouth. Evan returns the favor with some tongue and finger action between Hannah's legs as Hannah shoves a few of her own fingers up her ass for good measure. Evan proceeds to bang Hannah on the bar, including some nice thrusting up her tight anus, as some seedy bar patrons look on, and he finishes by giving Hannah a liquid award on her sweaty torso.



All in all, while BLONDES gets lazy with its situations and doesn't live up to potential of its fun premise, the luscious female talent, fun sexual action, and generally solid direction, lighting and sound, more than compensate for any snobby, thematic concerns I might have. Bonus features include generous chapter stops, sparse "bios" of the ladies, a photo gallery and a fairly forgettable "behind the scenes" segment. Unfortunately, no bonus scenes or previews are included (other than 900-line commercials). Although this film misses a chance at greatness and lacks some bonus features you might find on other titles, there is enough funny dialogue and stunning female flesh being put through its sexual paces to make for pleasurable viewing. Me and my box of tissues plan to watch these BLONDES having more fun over and over again. Despite some flaws, it is a definite keeper.