Beach Bunny

On occasion I'm tasked with diving on the proverbial grenade in an effort to shield you, the hard working customer, from potentially dangerous fragments of sub-par porn. This is the case with Beach Bunny. Ill conceived from the get go, the feature attempts to parody FX's (now cancelled) comedy show Son of the Beach, which itself is a parody of Baywatch. The resulting entertainment value is about as exciting as watching an Andy Dick impersonator. Headlining the title is Heatwave's new contract girl Velvet Rose. She plays the part of a college student who takes a job as a lifeguard, introducing her to a host of zany characters that are a direct rip-off from the television series.

First up is a scene with Stacy Carpenter and one of the lifeguards. You may recall Stacy from Jules Jordan's infinitely superior Trained Teens. In her scene here, she displays some of that charming innocence, but never really gets out of second gear, offering a mere sampling of her nasty talents. The scene takes place in a bar-like setting with a giant ship wheel hanging on the wall...these are the details you notice when the action is this hot. Anyway, things start out with some breast kissing and fondling. Eventually Stacy moves down to initiate a marathon blowjob sequence. The guy returns the favor by going down on her shaved slit for an equally lengthy period of time; is this really necessary? About the same amount of time is devoted to the unimaginative penetration positions (missionary and doggy) both situated on a bar stool. At the end of the scene, Stacy tuns her bright face skyward to accept a facial. After watching Stacy get truly defiled in Trained Teens, this scene's a real snoozer.

Next, Velvet gets aquatinted with one of her fellow life guards (Cameron Caine) while sitting pool side. Cameron is up to bat first, tonguing Velvet's pierced nipples, eventually working her way down to her pierced clit. Once again we have another cunnilingous session that lasts much longer than it needs to. This only continues as the girls switch positions with Cameron on the receiving end. The requisite dildo action then gets underway as Cameron bends over allowing Velvet to shove a large dildo up inside her. But Velvet gets her share of plastic love too as Cameron uses a futuristic looking dildo on her to close out the scene.

The third scene features Brittney Skye and Billy Glide. By this time I've found my stop watch so I can time some of these ridiculously long oral sequences. Brittney's blowjob (which includes a fair amount of ball sucking) clocks in at over six minutes. However. Billy's reciprocative oral performance dissolves after a relatively merciful two minutes. Fortunately, the scene gets on track and stays there once the penetration begins. Both turn out up tempo performances through the usual missionary and doggy positions. When Brittney mounts him in a cowgirl, her plump ass cheeks are bright red from Billy's relentless slapping and squeezing. Although she doesn't swallow any, her open mouth during the concluding facial is a fine capstone to a decent scene.

Fulfilling her duties as the star, Velvet Rose returns for one more scene, this time with the character named Rock Johnson. While investigating the beach for some unexplained reason, Rock and Velvet bump into one another prompting a sex scene. Other than the fact that it's set on a real beach, there's nothing too exceptional. After the expected oral exchanges, Velvet lies back on a towel and spreads her legs for some missionary. This is followed by some doggy. Velvet shows her aptitude for more intense scenes at the end as she accepts a facial with a wicked smile, licking at Rock's sticky Johnson.

The last scene begins as the muscle bound Gunter plays with his bulldog on a bed. Fortunately, Cameron walks in to save us from watching anymore of this. I was ready to time another lengthy blowjob but something unexpected happened while Cameron was sucking. Around the feature's 89th minute, the screen went completely black. This continued for about 30 more seconds, then it resumed. It was unclear if any footage was missed during this interruption, as Cameron still had Gunter's cock down her throat. Despite this abrupt interlude, the rest of the scene is pretty good as both performers work up a sweat while moving through three well paced positions. At the end, Cameron opens her mouth during the facial, but nothing really falls in that direction as Gunter dribbles most of his load on her chin.

Heatwave isn't at the top of my list when it comes to producing quality DVDs, and it looks like they won't reach that level for a while. First of all, the feature is front loaded with a number of phone sex ads. Since they're limited to the first chapter, you can advance past them pretty easily. But it's still not a good omen. Then there's the transfer. While the feature was captured on high quality digital video equipment, the DVD transfer is clearly second rate. As long as the image is fairly still, everything looks fine. But when there's quick movement, the screen becomes awash in pixels. It's not the worst transfer I've seen, but it ranks up there, and that's before taking the black screen (in the last scene) into consideration. The audio gets by without too many technical issues, but the music during the sex scenes gets a little old. For the quality of the feature and disc, the relatively generous extras are slightly out of character. There are separate interviews with the four girls, each turning into bonus solo scenes as they finger themselves for the camera. The two-minute behind the scenes featurette is one of the shortest I've ever seen, but given the technical merits of the feature I'm sure that's about all they could muster.

Beach Bunny plays like a whimsical idea, conceived, written, and shot all in one afternoon. The recycled concept and jokes are purely self indulgent, serving no real purpose other than to amuse the crew. Add a poor DVD transfer to the mix and you've got a real turkey.