Golden Rod

Following a very hot early scene with Julie Rage (looking super sexy in short white skirt and white pumps), GOLDEN ROD quickly goes downhill into the big pile of porn mediocrity as it struggles under the dead-weight of its own laughable action/drama pretensions. This ambitious, medium-budget feature motion picture stars chunky Steve Gecko (who has the goofiest haircut imaginable: not a bowl-cut ponytail, or whatever you might call it) in the very unlikely role of a super agent action hero David Rennolds (great name...not!) as he tries to thwart foreign general Jamie Gillis from doing evil. Part poor man's Indiana Jones, part poverty-stricken man's James Bond, GOLDEN ROD's lofty cinematic ambitions simply don't work, and greatly distract from some otherwise enjoyable sex scenes. I can appreciate director Geoffrey Coldwater's attempt to do something different with the sex scenes, but like HUDSON HAWK, or LAST ACTION HERO, HOWARD THE DUCK or any other unnatural Hollywood disaster, the results simply don't work.

The opening action sequence is an embarrassment, even when applying the standards of less than lofty production values of a typical porn film. After recovering a valuable diamond [cubic zarconian at its finest], Gecko is chased by a pick-up truck down runway, while he tries to catch up to his departing plane on a motorcycle. After some not so nail-biting moments, Gecko does manage to abandon his vehicle and jump on the plane right before take-off. Throughout this sequence, the direction is stiff and the chase scene becomes unintentionally funny; this is the sort of stuff which is tailor made for a MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 episode. Once Gecko takes command of the plane, he is treated to some rewarding cocksucking from Brittany Andrews leading into an oral cumshot. Unfortunately, her otherwise competent blowjob is obscured by cramped camera work and bad angles. Obviously filmed in a cockpit, probably while the plane was in actual flight, the scene is ineffective despite its authenticity.

As the plot barrels forward, we are treated to a series of sex acts which are more like intermissions than needed elements of the story. One of my favorites, Misty Rain, joins Jeanna Fine for a lesbian stripshow while the oafish Shawn Ricks, dressed up in fetish mask and gear, watches. He then joins the girls for a double penetration fuck on Ms. Fine, which is assisted by Misty's strap on-dildo. I could almost watch anything that features Misty Rain in action, but this scene was absolutely forgettable, which represents a waste of her talents. Speaking of waste, Felecia also makes a forgettable cameo appearance when she and Rebecca Wilde have mediocre lesbian sex on a table. As soon as that is over, the uninteresting plot limps right along...

Golden Jade, Lexi Leigh and Jamie Gillis have a poorly filmed three-way, which involves some brief sucking and even briefer fucking. The less said about this tepid ménage a trois, the better, especially when it involves the very strange Mr. Gillis (who insists that Golden Jade spend half her on-screen time literally licking his boots). Nici Sterling is joined by real-life husband Wilde Oscar and the very old and very unwatchable Dick Nasty, who makes me pine for Ron Jeremy's magnetic presence as a substitute. Nici is a hot little sexual number who has given the porn viewer many fine scenes in her career (particularly for Elegant Angel and Anabolic videos). However, this is not one of them, although she looks still looks sexy despite the pasty skinned and aged Mr. Nasty pumping away on top of her for a ho-hum double penetration. Moreover, this scene has been carelessly transferred with the image switching from full-screen to letterboxed at various random times for no apparent rhyme or reason.

Jamie Gillis graces the viewer with his unavoidable presence when he has some interracial pussy-licking with Menage, where she squats down over him as he eats away. Their scene is interrupted by some a plot-driven phone call, and then the movie cuts away and never returns to what probably would have been yet another mediocre scene in any event.

Finally, Rebecca Wilde has an ending tryst with Seth Gecko, which is uninspired and routine. This scene is prefaced by some additional outdoor dialogue, where the director goes a little nuts with the camera, creating a Alfred Hitchcock/Brian DePalma-ish three-hundred sixty degree swirling effect around the two (and a truck, believe it or not) during an almost unintelligible confrontation. However, this artistic effect is so clumsily done, that the end effect is just plain odd as opposed to interesting. Another embarrassing moment is on prominent display when a shoot-out occurs at a Chinese diner as a hit on Seth. The slow-motion effects, obviously fake gunfire, and over-acting by all the extras make this action scene a near laugh riot. The ending scene is prolonged and ridiculous (but I won't spoil it for you if you really like predictable surprises), so if you just wanted to see this video just for the sex, you can eject the disc right after the Wilde/Gecko. Th-th-that's all, folks!

Visual quality leaves a lot be desired here. I cannot imagine that the director intended to spend all this money on GOLDEN ROD just to end up with the grainy, pixilated, borderline blurry images as seen on this disc (especially during the dark scenes), so I have to believe that either the original video master is at fault, or someone fell over at quality control. The sound is also spotty; there are times where dialogue sounds like its being mumbled, and some of the over-dubbed scenes and foley effects are out of sync with the picture.

With the exception of Julie Rage's superb (but woefully short) scene, GOLDEN ROD lacks the minimum requirement necessary to make for a passable porn film.