Department S: Mission 1

What a strange little film this one is, Department S, providing a really good flick but with a cast I never would have guessed and oddly grainy video quality. And considering we begin with women in lingerie going around with automatic assault rifles, well, it's not going to be a normal ride.

The credits probably go on for a bit longer than they need to as well, and the terrible faux heavy metal that goes with them is just no fun. I guess this is going to be a five part series, so I guess there's the potential for some epicness. But really, starting off with terrible accuracy on weaponry is not appealing to me. This just all makes no sense whatsoever. So Shawna Lenee and Jessica Jaymes are not working over two guys, with now really jarring instrumental music going on The lighting is occasionally in contrast, but otherwise it's just a mish-mash of sexual positions rather than any kind of scene that has rhythm.

This also gets a nomination for worst voiceover of the year, with words that don't even come close to matching when the one guy talks, and the voice dubbed in absolutely irritating. So Shawna and Jessica get blown up for no discernible reason by this guy and apparently his magic lightning bolt-shooting cane. Or something.

Now it's time for Carly Parker and Lezley Zen... apparently Shawna and Jessica were his practice stand-ins. The acting doesn't get a great deal better, either, though the second scene seems to involve some sort of noxious gas that makes Carly and Lezley want to finger themselves for a bit. This turns into an elevator three-way, grainier than the previous footage and really without any useful angles The lighting's awful as well, though they do eventually share a mouth shot and he leaves them in the elevator, his magic cane doing something else weird that I can't quite identify. Now the languages match up and everything, though his voice is still irritating as all hell.

Bad acting interlude.

I went and made lunch, then came back to see a culturally mixed scene (like they couldn't pick which non-Western stereotype to engage) with Priya Rai and dude-with-the-cane. Priya manages to gas him for some reason, and I'm wondering if there is going to be any moment of consensual sex in this flick. Now the cane gives Priya an oral fixation. Probably the closest to a normal scene that we're going to get with this one, with a standard run of positions, and it's reasonably well captured. A mouth shot in the end.

Carly's nailing a guy while dressed as a school girl for some reason, though that's a justification that's never needed in porn. This scene is really too dark to be effective, and as they're on a rather odd staircase, the positions are all a bit awkward. This is also one of those scenes that seems to get grainier the further it goes on. There's just no excuse for that with the equipment available. Anal and a mouth shot at the end of this one, and then she passes out, because, again, it was that made her do it.

Now it's time for sex with intruders. Grainy again, and for some reason a collection of guys wish ski masks on just doesn't scream sexy to me. It's a smorgasbord of holes getting used, with each of the three guys seeming to get his turn wherever he wants to put it. Lezley gets an absolutely massive collection of facials in the end, and then they spring automatic weapons on them. Huh? That's no way to show appreciation.

I really can't tell what the message is here, other than most sex seems to be coerced and of poor video quality. If this is what Bluebird and Private have in mind for a collection that is supposed to span five films, they're really going to have to step it up in future releases. When there isn't much to keep most of the audience interested, and it's of poor enough production technique, that I actually want to change films, well, not a good sign. I'd say a wait-and-see approach with future releases from Department S is in order.