This Isn't The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2 - The XXX Parody

I'm not really much of a popular culture kind of guy. In fact, I think I'm deliberately obtuse about such things. I'm rather analog in everything from working on a typewriter to using a film camera and the like. I don't like to read books that are made into films. And I definitely don't like the hyped-up teen drama books, a category into which I'll throw Harry Potter (I'm in my mid-30's, and that was getting big while I was working on a graduate degree in literature, so call me a snob if you must - you'd be right), The Hunger Games (can we get any worse of a title for a series?), and definitely this Twilight nonsense. As a professional writer (no, really), I have relatively little patience for bad writing, and it getting massively popular despite that flaw just makes it worse.So here I am, the lucky one to review This Isn't the Twilight Saga *taking a breath* Breaking Dawn the XXX Parody Part 2. I don't care about vampires, whether they're from classic film or Anne Rice or this nonsense. But, like the good reviewer I am, I'm going to do my best to be nice and not comment on the plot.

First off, I think the parody genre did wonders for the adult industry, but now we've gotten into territory where it doesn't matter if the subject matter is any good or not. I know, ours is not an industry much known for its restraint, but I think it's something we should do for our own good. Watching the opening, I see the lovely Hope Howell, even if her reverse cowgirl shows signs of being from way too low of a camera angle even in the intro; Dillion Harper, a brunette who I hope would be interested in a scene with me some day. Cameras optional; Dani Jensen, who looks better, far better, with her regular eye colour and not this red nonsense; and Capri Anderson, the most professional ass in the whole extravaganza. Again, though, the red contact lenses need to go. One more side note: Devil's does a great job with their opening teaser thing for their website, but they need to tell us who is in each of these scenes. Then I'll definitely want to get on board with giving you money. But I don't want to spend all day searching for which clip each one was.

We open with Hope, and yes, I would like to open Hope, too. I wish they would have tried for lighting that was a little bit less mysterious here, as again, Hope's body is amazing (it's another one of those days when I wish I would have pulled the trigger and gotten into the industry a decade ago... I'd be all over her) and I hate missing out on it. Good positions all around, and a good facial in the end, too. You can tell he rather liked performing in this scene.

Dillion is up next, and it's that same goofy lighting effect, making everything kind of blue. A yellow lens filter? It has to be something like that. That really accentuates Dillion's tan lines on her bottom, almost to the point where it looks like someone took a blacklight to her butt. Hell, maybe that's what they're doing here. Despite good talent, this scene feels a bit tepid, and oddly enough, I feel like I barely got to look at Dillion in it. A decent, but imperfect, facial in the end.

Dani then takes on two guys at once in a scene that is simply far too dark. It's hard to see much of anything, and the background is also dark, but busy and shiny at the same time. Not recommended, this one.

Capri does a nice job in her scene as well, clearly taking this whole thing seriously, though again, I feel like I really didn't get to see it. This scene in particular was guilty of bad camera angle choices.

The bottom line? It's actually not a bad film. If you can get beyond the terrible lighting effects, there are some performances and bodies in here you'll want to see. And the price is right, so why not?