Cheerleader Strippers

For some reason, even though Jim Holliday is a self- and industry-annointed "porn historian" - as exhibited in titles of his like the "Only the Very Best" series of videos - and he knows a bunch of factoids about this and that in adult cinema and what not, he never really seems to put that knowledge to great use whenever he helms one of his own skin flicks. I'm not talking about his droll, wisecracking on-screen persona, which some folks like myself find kind of annoying in stuff like "Only the Very Best." I'm basically bitching about the fact that movies of his like "Cheerleader Strippers" never seem to rise above a workman-like quality, even when you'd have every reason to expect them to be all-time mindblowers because of Holliday's "stature" and because of the amazing casts he seems to always put together.

I mean, just check out the roster of hotties in this title: Misty Rain, Tiffany Mynx, Kylie Ireland, Missy, Julie Rage...and more! You look at the cover art, and you'd think there's no way something like this could possibly be a snoozer. But it pretty much is, and it's because the 13 nudie scenes (8 of which are stripping ones, with the other 5 featuring fucking) are ultra-short, paint-by-numbers events that pop up within a pretty shoddy "story" (basically, something that's supposed to be a "slice of life" in the lives of a bunch of strippers, managers, bouncers, etc.) that's packed with endless, trite dialogue sequences. All of the sexing just begins so abruptly and comes to an end so quickly that you never have a chance to get turned on. There is a reason why John Stagliano has all that teasing there, Jim!

Case in point is the second scene in the movie, with Misty Rain getting it on with boyfriend Chad Thomas in bed. They're having a quickie before she goes to dance, and, well, it's one of the quickest quickies you're going to see. Misty's an excellent fellatrix and an all-around scorching sexer, but here, you're basically treated to her saying something like, "Hey, let's fuck before I go to work," and all of a sudden, you jump past foreplay and get a quick shot of her riding him cowgirl style, then some reverse cowgirl, and finally a bit of missionary, before Chad unloads his nut juice all over her face, with a bit in her mouth (the only hot part of this all-to-brief scene). The climax is good, but the fucking itself doesn't really register. It's certainly not shitty, it's just not distinctive enough - or long enough - to really stand out.

The kicks provided by the many strip scenes in the movie are totally dependent on how much you like the girls, and frankly how good they actually are as dancing entertainers. I thought that the solo bumpings and grindings by Misty Rain, Serenity and Kylie Ireland were all solid - they really seem to enjoy performing in front of their audiences, and Serenity's dance actually culminates with her allowing an anonymous lucky audience member to feed on her rack and slit - and the Missy/Nico Treasures on-stage lez-out is a pretty slutty affair, complete with dildo-driven D.P.s on both tramps plus lots of sweaty anal play. I was looking forward to Julie Rage's dance, as I'm a fan of hers from "Buttman in the Crack" and some other titles, but her strip-show pairing with Sindee Coxx wasn't all that: the two just seemed to be going through the motions, and plus the scene was set up so that it was kind of like you just happened to walk in on them while they were performing, and then, before you get too into it, the film cuts away to strip-joint manager T.T. Boy and Chad Thomas shooting the shit in his office.

Also, going back to Missy, you can generally count on her to deliver hot work. I'm not exactly a huge fan, but I know that she's never left me uninterested either. But here, in her private room dance and fuck with customer Rick O'Shea, everything feels rushed and perfunctory like the Misty Rain scene. She strips, blows his rod (wow, foreplay!), takes him doggy style, and lets him fuck her left armpit (yep, you read that correctly) until he blasts his cum on her face and in her mouth. Again, a decent climax, but not exactly the best lead-up to it.

Perhaps the "best" straight fuck scene in the movie is one featuring Kylie Ireland. This curvy babe is a fave of mine on the Misty Rain level, and her scene with T.T. Boy in a bedroom quickie (is there anything else in this movie?) comes closest to delivering something hot. As usual, everything feels a bit rushed - the cock sucking, the 69, the trade-offs between doggy, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, and standing cowgirl - and truth be told T.T. Boy's presence is a general turn-off for me, but at least everything is incredibly energetic here, like both parties really wanted to get it on. The fucking is like watching some raging pistons pumping away, and the standing fuck is rather well-shot. Plus, when T.T. blows his wad on her face and her tongue and she drools a bit out, it's a pretty fine ending to fucking.

Unfortunately, the actual ending to the movie isn't that great. I forgot to mention that there really isn't any "cheerleader" action in this movie outside of one group strip scene featuring folks like Felicia and Lexi Ericsson. That bit of false advertising, plus the fact that that group stripping plus the one at the very end of the movie are totally unwatchable because you can't tell who's who pretty much kills most of the latter third of the movie. I mean, the ending is supposed to be some big lezzed-out orgy on stage, but you have no idea whose holes are getting probed or licked. I glimpsed Tiffany Mynx somewhere, but come on: why should I only get a "glimpse" of such a great slutlet like her? Also, Brittany O'Connell and Jill Kelly are listed on the box art, and I didn't even see them. What gives?

And you'll also be saying, "What gives?" over the disc itself too. It looks and sounds acceptable - no glitches, excess grain, artifacting or audio problems - but all you get in terms of bonuses are a photo album, a slide show (yep, two different supplements featuring photos), and web/contact info. Too bad. "Cheerleader Strippers" is a disc that doesn't really live up to its potential, neither as a movie nor a DVD.