Big Trouble In...Porn Valley

I'm not really sure what to make of Big Trouble in Porn Valley. I mean, there are certainly some names to this one, and there is plenty that is well done, but there are plenty of things that are just a bit off, from the Atari-like graphics during the film to the obviously fake porn sets where most of this takes place. I can tolerate bad acting - after a dozen years of doing this job, I've seen plenty of it. It's just how much is done oddly here that makes it not work for me.

We open with some dudebro acting, and then there's a gloryhole. I don't know about you, but I could never trust a gloryhole. I'd want to see whose mouth it's going to be first. Lucky for us the woman comes out from behind the curtain, and she's just all too much. I don't know how to describe her aside from that. Overdone. Even with the contrived set, they've managed to make the camera angles completely not work. This isn't a good sign, my level of boredom. I mean, I just went and checked scored from the Eredivisie instead of these two pretending to like each other. Let's see if the next scene is any more watchable.

We fade in to fake dreaming on a couch, and then we've got the most overdone thing in porn, the scene. I can't even explain how much I hate the theme in porn. This isn't gangsta rap. I still don't know what's going on. Now we have the worst excuse for a hospital scene I've ever come across. Still bad acting, though. Somehow this guy is hooked up to an IV through a pressure machine. Somehow I don't think this facility is accredited. Then we go back to all of the worst porn stereotypes. It's like this was made in 1994 or something. Granted, there's less hairspray and pubes, but still. This woman in the second scene does have an amazing body. Note to self: don't be picky and star in whatever the porn is if you get to play with a body like this. Despite the fact that I have a really awesome job, there are days I regret not following through with being on camera (I did have the opportunity). It's the tits and stockings in this one that make it all so alluring. Dude still looks like a tool, but you can't have everything. The biggest shame in this scene is that the lighting isn't any better. So much of it we can't see what's going on. A shame that they had to play with the money shot... they made it all slow-motion, and a facial was really in order for sitting through all of the rest of the technical imperfection.

The redhead in the next scene is really hot, but the whole thing is ruined by the lighting. I can only assume that they didn't white balance the camera here. The colours are all kinds of off. Even worse acting, too, complete with racial stereotypes. Fuck it. I tried to be positive. Really, I did. But when the best thing about a film is being able to hit pause to get a look at one actress without the technical deficiencies getting in the way, you know you're having a bad time. At least they hired a graphic designer to do the box. That may be the most professional thing involved in this whole film. I wish I was joking. I think more than anything this highlights the fact that no, not everyone can write a porn script. I take pride in being a writer, and while not everything I do is perfect (and I'm sure I make the occasional mistake in my reviews since I do so many of them), I do have some professional pride. That's what is missing from Big Trouble in Porn Valley. Pride. A script. And good lighting. And maybe a director. Good male talent, too. Okay, a lot is missing from this film, and it's probably best to just blow this one up and start over. The biggest trouble isn't in porn valley; it's if they make a sequel to this dud.