Haunted Nights

Haunted Nights is a bit more loaded with both premise and humor than most pornos. The premise has to do with an inherited castle, a monkey, a wolfman, and two bogus Scots. The humor is of the sort you get when high schoolers decide to write and present their own comedic plays, rather than doing yet another hack job on a worn-out Neil Simon vehicle. That is, the humor is mostly slapstick, probably fun to have taped, but not particulary sexy (or funny). Still, you gotta give 'em credit for trying.

There are a lot of actors appearing one way or another in this flick, but the only women who have sex on camera are Mystica, Celeste, Britt Morgan, and Sahara Sands (who here looks a lot like a prettier version of Hill Street Blues' Betty Thomas). Don't be frightened off because respectably hairy Ron Jeremy is in the credits -- of the males, Steven St. Croix, Randy Spears, Woddy Long, T.T. Boy and Mark Wallice do all the humping.

Humping? I'm glad you asked. There are 6 sex scenes, including one girl-girl, one girl with two guys, and four male-female couples. I want to tell you about three of these scenes. The first is Mystica's scene with Steven St. Croix, the second is Sahara Sands' scene with Celeste, and the last is Sahara's hot fuck with T.T. Boy. I'd tell you how hungry Britt Morgan sucked and sucked on Randy Spears and Mark Wallice, but I'm out of space. You'll just have to watch that one yourself.

Ok, the first scene. Mystica is a beautiful girl, long hair and natural tits with lovely hard nipples. She comes in to get help documenting that her husband is cheating. Amazingly, she starts flashing leg and coming on to dopey junior detective Steven St. Croix. He unbuttons her shirt to reveal a spiderweb tattoo and two delicious, unmodified, petite and tasty breasts. Next he's checking her tonsils with his private dick, while she strokes his cock with her long nails and fingers. This is nice head-bobbing suck action, and what a pretty face that cock is probing! When Miss Perky 1993 bends down to take it doggy style, Steven's all too happy to oblige. Mystica finally flips over for a face-to-face fuck, giving Steven and us a great view of those rock-hard nipples. The view's so good, in fact, that Steven has to pull out and shoot a load on her belly. Nice work, detective!

The next scene features Sahara Sands going pussy-to-pussy with Celeste (who also has a great scene with her real life boyfriend Woody Long). These girls look great undressing for us, especially the pretty blonde Sahara with her small but tasty and natural titties. Celeste starts right out spitting on Sahara's asshole, and licking it as Steven St. Croix (tied up with ropes) and an unexplained man in a monkey suit watch. Sahara flips over, offering her pussy to Celeste's ready tongue and fast, friendly fingers. Yeah, there's kissing. Yeah, there's nipple licking. I really liked watching Celeste play with Sahara's breasts, making her nipples hard. Then they slide those two pussies together in the wettest dry hump I've seen in a while. In slow-mo you can really see those lips sticking. The girls moan together like this until they're finally interrupted by our good friend Ron Jeremy, but there's not really a definitive climax. Still, there was plenty to watch and enjoy.

Finally, we stay with lovely nurse Sahara as she switches to the other side of the . Man time. T.T. Boy and Sahara start this scene gazing longingly into each others' eyes as Steven St. Croix, tied up in ropes, watches. I really liked watching T.T. groping Sahara's chest through her nurse uniform. I watched several times in slow motion as he unbuttoned it, and she opened it up to reveal her beautiful little breasts in a nice white lacy bra. Tit men, this scene's for you! Just imagine that's you, pushing her bra down and sucking on her nipple. Oh, nurse... next she's got his cock out and kneels to give it mouth to mouth. She makes great eye contact with T.T. as she slides her lips right down to his pubic hair. This blowjob is absolutely inspiring to watch and goes on for several minutes. Why we need to cut away for more slapstick from Jonathan Morgan, I have no idea, but when we return, T.T. is delicately licking and fingering Sahara's wide-open perfect pink pussy lips. She smiles, she closes her eyes in rapture, she really makes this part as hot as the earlier sword swallowing. Couples will be pleased to find that the pussy-licking gets as much attention as the cock-sucking, a comparative rarity in straight porn. Now Sahara's pussy is ready to be filled, so she lies back and takes it like a woman. Sahara's no one-note wonder, though, as she bends over the table and takes T.T.'s shaft right up the tailpipe. Then there's another pointless cutaway to a monkey suit in a cage, then we come back to see liquid leaking from Sahara's asshole, around T.T.'s thrusting cock. He pulls out to jerk one last spurt, giving a fairly weak ending to what was otherwise the hottest scene in this movie.

All the scenes had at least something to commend them. The girls are pretty enough, the action's hot enough.

Video quality was fine. Nothing special, but slow-mo was rock steady. It's a 1993 production, so you don't expect film or modern digital video crispness. The camera work itself was good, with no focus or exposure problems. Editing, that's another story, but it's not part of the video rating.

Audio quality was above average for its era. Music was there when it was needed, and never cheesy enough to interfere. The excess groaning endemic to porn was kept to a believable minimum, so above average as well.

Extras include the standard features, though in limited form. There are only two cast bios, Sahara Sands and Celeste (there are 6 girls and 8 guys in this movie). The photo gallery is about 40 pictures which roll by in a minute and a half, and doesn't really add much to the hot value of the disc. There are four plot-heavy trailers that add about 12 minutes, and a pointer to Wicked's website.

The overall rating is tough. There is a lot of really great stuff here, but something always seems to keep it off the perfect end of the scale. Still, there's enough hot action to lift it above the average efforts.

Definitely check this one out if you like humor, goofy humor, mixed in with your sex. Consider it if you're a fan of natural breasts, particularly Sahara Sands and the tempting Mystica. No perfect scenes, but plenty here to enjoy.