Lessons In Love

We all remember puberty, that awkward time in adolescence where we all started smelling a little funky and getting funny feelings in our pants. Some of us outgrew puberty, and some of us did not. Oscar, the protagonist of "Lessons in Love," did not.

The film starts with Oscar (Mike Horner) changing his cash for coins in an adult bookstore. Oscar is definitely a nerd, complete with a horrid wardrobe, pocket protector, wimpy voice and awful Drew Carey-like glasses. The scene switches to Oscar getting his huge cock sucked by (Jeanna Fine). In porn films, nerds always have huge cocks. The scene switches again to Oscar jacking himself off and cumming, and we know that there was never a woman there. As Oscar finishes himself off, his dad knocks on his door and asks him what he's doing.

Oscar's dad tries to counsel his son. Oscar is 30 years old, stutters and still lives at home. He suggests Oscar tries to get a career instead of working at the car wash, or even get a girlfriend, as Oscar tries not to cry while wearing his polyester plaid pants.

Oscar works at the car wash with Ron Jeremy. It turns out that the girl that Oscar was fantasizing about is a regular customer at the car wash. Jeremy tells Oscar that he'll never get Gina because Oscar has never been with a woman. He suggests Oscar practice on some of the local prostitutes. But then Oscar has to get back to work. As he hand washes the a minivan, the camera shows a very, very hot J.R. Carrington sucking Arti Choke's nipples. They both then play with themselves separately, as you see Carrington's succulent sweater meat. She starts humping get guy's face while wrapping her luscious lips around his pecker. You can tell from her anus that she's had it there quite a few times as well. They get to fucking, with her bouncing on top of his lap, rubbing her clit. Their car is still getting washed, so Oscar and his pals get a special treat. Somehow, Arti takes Carrington from behind in the minivan and she jacks him off until he finishes. The scene is very steamy, but unfortunately there is no sound during it. I'm an aural guy myself, and was slightly disappointed not to even hear one moan.

Instead of getting a prostitute, Oscar heads on down to the local adult theater, and he even orders popcorn from the concession stand! Oscar gets props in my book for that. Oscar eventually fantasizes that Gina is next to him in the theater, and one of the actors in the movie is talking to him and telling him to go get a hooker. The DVD shows the "movie" that Oscar is watching and it's a very hot threesome scene with Jeff Coldwater and two hotties, Kirsty Waay and Abby. Both girls take turns sucking and rubbing his dick while also tonguing his balls. There are quite a few ass shots during the scene, which makes it that much better. One of the girls, Waay, looks like a regular chick and not a porn star, and I love that. You can also tell that she loves sucking his dick and getting eaten out by the other two. And these girls lick almost every part of Coldwater's body, including where the sun don't shine. Nice stuff indeed! Again, though, there is no actual sound in the scene, just music. No moans or anything.

Video quality is very good, as the DVD doesn't look as if it were just transferred from VHS. Audio quality is good (there's even a Dolby Digital Trailer before the film!), but a few of the scenes don't have moans and groans...

Which is why I say that this is the perfect DVD for guys who have kids or uppity girlfriends or wives. At least when you mute this one, you know you're not missing anything.

I won't give away what happens with the prostitute, but it kind of reminds me of the first time I used one. And that's why I liked this film. I identify with Oscar and his plight. Shit! I've got to run, my parents are knocking on my door!