Cheerleader Nurses

Grimace being a bad character at McDonald's. Atari. The Apple IIe. And Jim Holliday's Cheerleader Nurses. What do these have in common? If you know them, then you're "Old School".

VCA didn't include a production year on this 85-minute feature, and that's okay. I don't want to think about which year of grade school I was in when this came out on BetaMax. It probably is that old, too. We aren't quite back to Deep Throat here, but more people will probably watch this for nostalgia than for fresh adult entertainment.

Crystal Wilder and Tiffany Mynx star, somewhere, in this throwback to big hair and no piercings (which, come to think of it, the lack of piercings isn't such a bad thing...), but I couldn't tell you what they did... there's a bevy of bottle blondes that aren't tagged here, and I don't know enough about "Old School" porn to tell you any better. VCA wasn't any more helpful than that, either, with some poor quality photos on the cast bios, and their scene selection menu was entirely unlabeled. This is a problem that seems to plague most of VCAs releases, though, and the one thing they could do to improve their digital products.

Here's what is allegedly going on. "Welcome to the Burton Allen Institute. Here, ambitious young women train to become student nurses while they nurture alternative vocations like car wash management, exotic dancing, and... cheerleading." Okay, where was all of this? What I saw was: a bunch of women, sometimes in nursing uniforms, sometimes in nothing at all, ballin' guys and occasionally each other. For a bit they tried on cheerleading skirts and the such, making the feature seem very Showtime, but apart from that, it was pretty much an up-nurse-skirt kind of film.

The women train at the direction of Joey Silvera and Ron Jeremy, Silvera being the only one that gets involved in a scene. The rest is a medley of indoor trysts, including a two-guy/one-girl, a one-guy/three-girl, the usual lesbian stuff, and two, sparse one-on-one's. The opener might be with Crystal (stress: MIGHT), sucking on a guy, some painful dialogue getting caught in the jetsam of some killer cocksucking.

For watching mostly identical women that are probably old enough to be my mother, this feature still somehow managed to be reasonably okay. There's a lesbian four-way with some outstanding anal rimming in it (my weakness in lesbian scenes), but the toys do eventually come out for the finish. The toys always seem to take away from a scene to me, but I know they work for most people, so I won't bitch here.

The lighting was generally poor throughout (what were you expecting, Michael Ninn?), and this made some of the scenes hard to see much of. Is that a penis she's sucking on? Who is that?! It's a bit distracting, I'm sure, if you know who these women are, but that didn't happen with me. Most were rather nice to look at, though.

As expected, almost everything took place on a bed, something that doesn't seem very common anymore. The pendulum has swung completely in the other direction, with such bed-based intimacy generally shunned for the romance of the car hood and the charm of the lawn chair. Perhaps some moderation is in order.

This feature is old, certainly, the big hair, male mullets, and metal music (Poison? Def Leppard?) give that right away. You can see some of the limitations of the source tape in the digital transfer, but the pictures are remarkably intact. VCA did some additionally nice work in preparing new menus and a few features (cast bios, scene selector that is unlabeled, web site junk), perking up something that would otherwise be a disappointment to shell out $20 for. This wasn't my cup of tea, but I won't mark it down for being before my time. It's probably meant for people who've worn their copy (and their VCR) out and want a familiar title for their DVD library. If that's not the case, and unless you're a fan of one of the starlets on here, you probably will be better off with something a bit more up to date. This isn't bad, but it isn't new, either.