On Her Back

It's 1508, and the Pope needs the ceiling painted. He asks his best artist, Michaleangelo, who tells him he's a too
busy. "Taka my sista, Michaelangelena. She'll do it". But he doesn't want a woman. At least not yet. Read the review to see if
this interpretation of history is something you'll brush up on...
This 1995 Vivid release is a throwback to the ridiculously plotted, badly acted, mediocre porn of yesteryear.
The story is that the Pope, (Silvera) wants Michaelangelo (Morgan) to paint the Sistine Chapel. Bad Italian accents are
everywhere, and don't even come close to being funny. Michaelangelo doesn't want to do the work, but the Pope persuades
him to take the job for cheap money. Meanwhile, sister Michaelangelena, (Lauren) is feeling like an outcast. Under
apppreciated, and underutilized. Shit, she hasn't even had a man yet! She works to persuade his holiness that she deserves the
job, and in fact, gets it in the end. (no, not the job....read on).
The first sex scene involves a real yawner between model Marc Wallice and Nikki Randall. Dyanna watches the action, and
rubs herself through her robe, while Anna Malle gives her the lowdown on life in the 1500's as a woman. They then steal away
where Malle gives Dyanna quite a delicious tonguing that features some great camerawork. Dyanna Lauren has my vote as the
cutest little quim in the biz. I could gaze at that gash all night......Sorry.........Well, "Jenna" as she is credited is watching all this,
and also takes care of herself by squeezing those jugs, and playing with her puss for a bit. After Dyanna is satisfied, Malle takes
it upon herself to give Jenna some tongue lashes, and the engage in some very well done licky-lick, in some very interesting
positions. The finest 15 minutes on the disc, by far.
Morgan is then taken by Malle and Nikki in a rather average 3-way, though I did enjoy the girls on bottom 69 that they
pulled. A mediocre facial finishes up this mildly interesting scene. Colt Steele then meets Lauren somewhere in the courtyard,
and they engage in some rather run of the mill action as well.
The finale is a coupling of Silvera and Lauren. Remember!!!! He's supposed to be the Pope!!!! Well, he has his papal ways
with her, and I was very impressed that, as Pope, he took care and used a rubber. The money shot was a downer.
All in all a short review for an average to below average flick. The girl girl scenes in the middle were very hot, but it really
ended there. Could this be a good intro for couples? Maybe. It still seems to be just way too tame. I think she'd get bored
before she got interested.
It's a shame. With a pretty attractive few girls, this had the makings of a winner. Believe me, if I were paired with Dyanna, I'd
have painted the ceiling in no time flat! A soothing creme color...........

From a DVD perspective: This video to DVD transfer was well done. I am partial to video to disc, but the images were crisp
and very clear. no complaints. Sound was good, but the period music they used drove me nuts!!! Reminded me of 70's stag
porn music!
Vivid did not disappoint with the extras at all, and they'll keep you inerested. .

Fans of light-hearted acult comedy will enjoy On Her Back, an irreverent tale purpoting to tell the "true" story of Michelangelo (Jonathan Morgan) and the "real" genius behind the painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel-his siser (Dyanna Lauren). With Anna Malle, Nikki Randall, Joey Silvera, Marc Wallice, Bud Lee (who also directed) and, in one of her first roles, Jenna Jameson.

This DVD is loaded with full-motion menus, chapter stops, multiple-angle sex scenes, bonus sex clips, awards footage, previews and more. Picture quality is a little iffy at times.

DVD Features:

Basically the same options as all the new Vivid DVDs. Lot's of shortened scenes in the Bag Girls area, though on a home set they are too hard to get to for the payoff. Two more previews on this side, with more on side two. The Meet the Girls is always cool, especially when coupled with the MTV clips on the second side. There is a lot of potential here, it's just a matter of working the bugs out.

SECOND SIDE BONUS MATERIAL

Like all the new Vivid DVDs, this one has tons of bonus stuff on side two. Bloopers, trailers and bonus mini scenes abound. Great quantity, good to excellent quality. My only complaint, as before, is that there is no easy way to get to all of it. I'm sure it plays nicely on the PC, but on the home entertainment center, it's a little distracting.

DVD EXTRA GRADE- B, Solid, and nearly perfect. A few of the bugs get worked out and this will be the standard other DVDs will have to meet for bonus material.

REVIEW:
Critics often talk about artistic porn. I guess Vivid was listening, but only got half the message. What we have here is porn about an artist. Jonathan Morgan stars in what is billed as the true story of Michaelangelo, Wait, maybe this is the porn version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Going on the assumption that it is actually the story of the artist, using Dyanna Lauren as the lead is a good move since her body is as perfect as any sculpture. Also if you pay attention, you will see an early appearance by Jenna Jameson in the Bud Lee feature.
As we open, Michaelangelo, (Morgan) is trying to sculpt a nude Marc Wallice. When the 'Big Guy' wants a ceiling painted, the renowned artist is hesitant at first, but can't refuse the huge price tag attached to the project. With nothing better to do, the model and the assistant (Nikki Randall) decide to make their own art. Nikki really looks beautiful here, proving that some women can make porn comebacks and not lose any of their luster. Marc finds his way under her clothes and goes to work munching her muffin. Nikki shows she also still knows how to treat a dick like it's a warm flesh popsicle. Given the recent popularity of period pieces, this well shot scene should fulfill most of your 'Elizabeth' fantasies, though I'll wager Kate Blanchett never looked this good on her best day. The painter's sister, (Dyanna Lauren) watches from the bushes and Marc does his best to fill her with his little dick.

Michaelangeo goes to meet the Pope while his sister is stuck at home, unable to practice her art. The Pope, (Joey Silvera) explains to Morgan about the project. Listening to these guys do on in their accents is pretty funny, but unintentionally so. Morgan sounds like a combination of Father Guido Sarduchi and that little Asian manicurist on Mad TV. As their conversation goes on, Anna Malle explains to Dyanna how she much free herself sexually if she ever want to be allowed to be a great artist. (Sounds like a pretty lame pick up line to me, but it works.) Again, someone is watching from nearby. This time, the young Jenna watches as Anna tugs Dyanna's dress down and feasts on her luscious breasts. Interesting thing to note, apparently in 1508, some women had tattoos and breast implants. While Anna laps away at pussy, Jenna gets her own slit warmed up with some finger fun. It's a pretty low heat scene, which is rather surprising since both Dyanna and Anna are capable of breaking loose big time. Rather than leave Jenna out, Anna plants a big wet kiss on her lips The pretty young blonde seems to really trip Anna's switches, because things pick up considerably.

Worrying about the size of the job, Morgan gets some much needed stress relief from Anna, who has a secondary motivation. In between deep strokes on his cock, she plants the idea that he needs some help with a job of this size. Anna doesn't need any help with a cock of any size and proves it my making it all vanish into her mouth. To make things a little more interesting, they bring Nikki into the mix for a nice three way. If two heads are better than one, then two women giving head has to be just about the best thing imaginable. He does his best to keep both women happy, alternating back and forth between two very wet pussies. Anna face becomes the target for his load and she takes it
quite happily.

Dyanna is sad. She wants her own work and is tired of being a virgin. Anna tries to get her in to see the Pope, and this some totally stupid dialog on us. Porn dialog scenes are pretty annoying as it is, but when they are this flat and unfunny, they are particularly painful. Rejected, Dyanna sits by the side of the road crying. Along comes Colt Steele and her virginity issues are out the window. He takes her on a hillside and gently shows her the ways of womanhood. Suddenly, they are inside and he's between her thighs. This is very pretty sex, but it really lacks heat. Lee doesn't even have suck cock for more than a minute before the penetration. Even the close-ups are rather dull. It takes an especially bad day by a director to make Dyanna less than hot.

The plot at this point is doing nothing but getting in the way. While I enjoy a good story in my smut, I can't stand when they get in the way. Moving forward, Dyanna finally gets to see the Pope, only he really isn't the Pope. No big deal, it takes us to a Lauren/Silvera sex scene. At least this time we get to watch her suck cock for a bit, providing us with the best sexual action of the movie thus far. Even still, the fucking is quite subdued. Perhaps Lee thinks this makes for a good couples film, but to me, it's a waste of a dynamic performer and he should be ashamed. By the time he pulls out and cums on her belly, I can wonder is why a virgin has a tattoo on her coochie.

Nice costumes aside, there isn't much in this movie to like. The plot is silly, the dialog annoying and way too long. Worse than that, the sex isn't even any good. Nikki Randall gives the best scene in the movie, which is pretty shocking considering how incredible Dyanna Lauren usually is. For some reason, though she looks great here, her scenes lack heat. It takes a pretty serious fuck up by a director to make one of porn's hottest women fizzle. Maybe this movie works for couples, but for everyone else, pick a different Dyanna movie and enjoy it.