Brown Eyed Blondes

Does anyone out there remember that really cheesy cartoon from the 80's called Jem and the Holograms? Well, if you do, I would describe this film as Jem does porn. The basic idea is that a 6 girl and 1 guy band are trying to make it big in the industry while keeping their artistic integrity, even though they allow their name to be changed (by a producer) from The Surf Queens (because, of course, they all dig chicks) to the Viking Surf Slits. My only complaint was that, to quote Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore, "too much talky-talky."

The opening scene was quite nice- a short setup of what the plot is going to be followed by a four-way all girl orgy between Shayla LaVeaux, Dani Rogers, P.J. Sparxx, and Nikita, who was sporting a nice accent, though I'm not sure it really fit her supposedly Swedish background. Needless to say, there was a fair amount of licking and writhing. I was pleasantly surprised by P.J. Sparxx's appearance- I still remember when I was a wee boy of 13 and was jerking off to her then. Oh, and by the way, things haven't changed since then. This scene was followed up by a typical adult film scenario that never gets old- the hitchhiker picked up by a bus full of hot girls who are more than willing to have hot sex with him. After a brief conversation where they offer him a roadie job (by which they mean sex toy), Timber, Nikita, and Shayla LaVeaux get off the bus to fulfill their womanly needs and leave P.J. Sparxx to fulfill her need for some dick. Not only did she have a nice outfit, but she can still give head with the best of them. I also forgot how well she can move her body while never losing contact with the guy.

Dick Weed, a Howard Stern knockoff, then interviews Dani Rogers on the radio because she is the only successful member of the Viking Surf Slits (she had a single that hit #63 on the charts) where she confesses on the air that she is an "anal virgin." If that isn't inviting a good third input rogering, I don't know what is. And of course, Dani was more than willing to accept the offered dick deep inside what is considered by many an exit only route. Following this was a display of what the band's "roadies" are really for. Cute Little Odette (Shayla LaVeaux) gets a good lay by the side of a waterfall. The girl can ride cock like a professional bull rider- I'm surprised she didn't snap the guys back the way she was bouncing. As the cumshot occurs, there is a quick interior cut to Felecia and Jill Kelly in a bedroom getting down and dirty with a couple of the largest dildos I've ever seen. And, of course, they somehow managed to get it all the way in to the hilt. The moans that Felecia was giving off as she had the double penetration of two huge dildos was enough to make the guy living next door to me poke his head out. Very hot.

This part of the movie became intensely slow as all of the girls go for an interview at Hodad Records where they meet with the producer to see if they can get a contract. The only highlight of this scene was when the producer asks them if their "slits are edible or just festering sludge" to which they respond by getting up and baring all. They then proceed to talk mad shit on each other, which thankfully cuts away to a nice sex scene with Kelsey Heart where she proclaims to the guy "cut out all the mushy kissing shit and stick it in my wet hole." There is nothing I appreciate more than a straightforward girl who knows what she wants- especially if it's cock. Unfortunately, this scene was followed by more talking and plot...

But then Jill Kelly gets busy with a cross-dressing psychiatrist- I guess I missed the connection of why she was there. Regardless, though, Jill is still quite a seductress- rubbing her pussy up and down and then taking a mouthful (and assful) of rigid cock. Once again, more talk and plot. Followed by a "concert" by the girls in a club, while backstage in the green room Wynona Winter and Teri Starr masturbate furiously with Dick Weed and then proceed to double team him in a fury of sucking, tit grabbing, and hip motion. I would have loved to be that guy. I wonder if the green room at Larry King Live is like that? Following another cut to the concert, Teri and Wynona continue their antics on stage, utilizing the blue dildos from before to bring each other to a wet, climactic finish.

Overall, this movie is a keeper. It's about 2.5 hours long with only about an hour and a half of sex, leaving an hour when people are talking and not screwing. But that can be excused due to the excessively hot nature of the sex in the film- I was especially impressed with the cute factor of Shayla LaVeaux whom I had not previously seen in any movies. In terms of features, this disc is pretty good. It has some bonus scenes from other movies and an interview with the director, who is actually pretty funny. The standards are also present- slideshow, Internet connection, and chapter index.

This dvd is simply the best I've seen so far. The picture is quite clear and the lighting is soft just enough that we don't have to see the pimples on the women's asses that are rampant in other adult movies. The sound was equally clear and the music occasionally catchy. I loved the grunge rock tune that laced the opening menu. The women range from quite attractive to stunningly beautiful. A movie like this would definately make me notice these so-called "brown eyed blondes." However, it's the features that push this dvd ahead of the rest. For instance, in many dvd's, the cut scenes usually range from 2-3 minutes long. In Brown Eyed Blondes, we are treated to three cut scenes that average more than ten minutes each. Plus, there is some interesting and hilarious commentary from director Jim Holliday about each scene: "Anyone who likes a gang-bang is either mysoginistic or a closet homosexual." Way to go, Jim. I'm glad someone in the industry has the balls to criticize a popularized scene.

You've gotta get this DVD. It has everything: gorgeous girls, unbelievable close ups, anal, girl-girl, outdoor sex, and a three-scene preview of Car Wash Angels (that I hope comes out soon!). There wasn't one girl less than a perfect 10. The picture was perfect, and the sound was great (good music didn't overpower the sensuous sounds of fucking). The extras were great. A short bio of each girl included a link to her hottest scene on the disk.

I have a collection of over 80 adult DVDs, and THIS IS THE BEST.